A Ticket Out of HFIL
by Felicity Dream
Summary: The Grand Kai has a challenge! Chosen villians must go to earth and...make Gohan fall in love with them! Who will win? Includes Cell going human, Freiza in drag, traumatized!Garlic Jr., and paranoid!MafiaBoss!Gohan stuck with bad luck. Add Saiyan cult and Goku torturing Raditz. Frequent betting and wars abound. Total crack!fic. Project Revision completed chapter 1-12 . Off-On Hiat.
1. An Ordinary Day in HFIL?

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ.  
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.  
Set after Cell but before Buu.  
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.  
Warnings: Dunno.  
A/n: Looks like I'm revising this so look out for a lot of changes, grammar, spelling, and content-wise. I'll be revising so all chapters will be at equal length, that means the old shorter chapters will be longer, etc. It'll still be crazy and mostly crack…I have the original files on hand and will be keeping them for…sentimental and reference value. Not that the original stuff won't be included in the revised edition. I may up the rating because I'll probably be adding some strong innuendo and etc, considering I am older than when I started this. Not that I wasn't as crazy and perverted back then ('cause I was), I just didn't write it as well or as shocking as I do now.

"_I hope your cellmate thinks he's God  
__But C.N.N. refer to him as Bowling Ball Bag Bob  
__Serving time again for abuse of a corpse  
__Only this time the victim's a Clydesdale horse  
__While he masturbates to photos of livestock  
__He does the Silence Of The Lambs dance to Christian Rock  
__Eats feces and quotes from Deliverance  
__And fights with his imaginary playmate Vince …__" –I Hope You Die by the Bloodhound Gang_

**A Ticket Out of HFIL**  
_Revised Chapter One: Announcing All Resident Crazies (otherwise known as An Ordinary Day in HFIL?)_

Another day passed and no one noticed a change in HFIL, also known as the Home for Infinite Losers. The usual stiffness in the atmosphere present sent a little group to another level of insanity and bore. This group consisted of Cell, Freiza, the Ginyu Force (minus Ginyu), and Koola. Having nothing to do, they were trying to alleviate their boredom through their usual means.

Hence, Freiza and Koola playing some kind of drawing game where they had to guess what the other had drawn (a very crude version of the picture game because not only were they using the soil to draw on, but they were guessing and drawing with no rules and no turns), the Ginyu Force attempting to create a cheer and then practicing it (including moves they'd taken from their favorite movie _Bring It On_), and Cell playing solitaire by himself and trying not to kill the others (or himself).

Suddenly, some whack head zipped through, making the group fall from their perches from their dark spiky mountain. Freiza let out what was distinguishable as a grunt. Not that he did it to cover up the girlish scream he'd let out before…

"How rude!" Jeice exclaimed. Everyone nodded and went to sit back. The whack head came flying back and came to a stop in front of them. The whack head cleared his throat and everyone sat up in anticipation.

"Hear ye! Hear ye!" and he was cut off by Cell who snorted. The whack head glared in response and was about to continue. "I said, hear ye! Hear ye!"

He was cut off again by Cell, who quoted in an exaggerated Shakespearean accent, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

"I wasn't aware the whack head was protesting," Freiza whispered to the others.

"Not protesting. In Shakespeare's day, to protest meant to vow or declare solemnly, which the whack job was doing –declaring solemnly for us to listen to him and to declare solemnly some news he wants to share," Jeice said in a matter of fact way.

The others stared at him in shock, including the whack head. He turned red from the attention he was getting, both from anger that they thought he was stupid and embarrassed they would think so and that they were all staring at him. Even some stranger thought he was an idiot.

"I thought he was a dunderhead," Freiza whispered to his brother.

Jeice glared.

Koola shook his head, "Too much Harry Potter, brother. And he's not stupid. He's dumb."

Steam was practically coming out of Jeice's ears.

"There's a difference?" Freiza asked.

"It's the level of idiocy. He's not considered stupid enough to be stupid, but he's a level down at being dumb. Besides, he's more of a pretty boy."

"Shut up!" Jeice roared.

They stared at him again and he just frowned and skulked in the background.

The whack head hesitantly continued, thinking he was surrounded by nut jobs. It was best for him to proceed cautiously. Very cautiously.

"If you follow me the Grand Kai has a challenge. The prize is a ticket out of here."

Koola smirked, "What a way to go."

* * *

Elsewhere on Earth, Gohan sneezed roughly. Blinking rapidly, he suspiciously eyed his room. Feeling warning signals, Gohan unreasonably checked his entire home and outside for anything suspicious. Finding nothing, he shrugged it off as his paranoia.

He still couldn't get rid of the feeling that something bad was going to happen, something bad to him…

Sighing, he went back to his studying and hoped he was overreacting. Perhaps he was getting a cold?

And elsewhere elsewhere, um actually just the North Kai's planet, Goku was pestering the Grand Kai.

"Hey, old man! Why do you get to call yourself King Kai? What makes you so special? You're just the North Kai, right? I should be King Kai!"

The North Kai was developing a tick in his right temple, gritting his teeth harshly.

"_Goku_, if you don't stop…" he warned.

"Hmph! I can kick your ass any time of the day! That's it. _I'm _King Kai for now on, got it?"

The North Kai screeched, then looked at Bubbles and gestured rather violently at Goku. The monkey got the clue, but just continued leaning back on a foldable lounge chair the North Kai couldn't recall ever seeing before or remember getting.

Bubbles wasn't interfering. Oh hell no! This was great entertainment. Seeing Goku pester the North Kai was hilarious, and the North Kai's reactions equally great. And he definitely wasn't interfering if Goku continued to get him cool things like the lounge chair he was currently enjoying.

"You must die! I alone am best!" Goku sung in an obnoxious, pompous voice.

The North Kai actually screamed this time, getting a mallet out of nowhere and chasing after a cackling Goku. Bubbles snickered to himself as he heard the two running full speed ahead all over the planet. Along with a few sounds of things crashing and breaking, the screams, yells, and crazy laughter were music to Bubbles' ears.

"I'm King Kai, bitch!" Goku screamed delightedly.

Bubbles scrunched his eyebrows together and said in an oddly British voice, "Isn't it, 'I'm Rick James, bitch?' And in an exaggerated ghetto accent?"

There was a pause in the commotion outside, with small squawks of protest coming from the North Kai every once and a while.

Then…

"I'm Rick slash Goku 'King Kai' James slash Son, bitch!" Goku said in a butchered ghetto accent. And then the commotion outside continued.

"Hmm, Goku needs to work on his ghetto accent. He does wonderful international accents otherwise," Bubbles said to himself.

* * *

Later on, after they were all settled and things had calmed down, they sat at the table and began eating dinner.

"Oi, _North _Kai, what was that missive you sent out earlier?" Goku asked.

"Nothing, _oh great King Kai_," the North Kai said the last part sarcastically.

"Yeah there was! What's so important?" Goku continued to pester the North Kai for information.

"I said it's nothing! It's none of your bees…" the North Kai trailed off, his mind changing gears.

"…wax?" Bubbles kindly suggested.

The North Kai glanced at him, disturbed. Bubbles had taken to talking recently, and it was with a _British _accent. He had no idea Bubbles was British…and if the monkey wasn't, where the hell had it taken that up? Hell, why was it talking?

Since when could Bubbles even talk?!

"Actually, Goku. Do you really want to know?" the North Kai teased, an evil glint appearing in his eye. This would be the perfect payback against Goku for repeatedly harassing him.

"Yup!"

Grinning evilly, the North Kai disclosed the details of the tournament the Grand Kai was planning on hosting, conditions and _competitors_ not withheld.

Goku nodded sagely, "I would enter, but Gohan's my son, so that would be kinda weird."

The North Kai gaped at him. Wasn't the idiot aghast to know that his son would be the tournament's goal? Shouldn't Goku be protesting and woe-ing the fate of his son?

This was supposed to be his payback!

"I kind of want Cell to win," Goku mused, further shocking the North Kai. "I've always thought Freiza looked too freaky and feminine, _acted feminine too_," he muttered the last part. "At least Cell _sounds_ male. Acts and seems more manly too. I'm sure Gohan wouldn't mind, probably be swept off his feet," Goku said bubbly as he grinned to himself, acting all optimistically and goofy.

The North Kai fainted. He just couldn't take it anymore.

* * *

Furthermore, Gohan shivered in his room, even though the temperature was like 80 degrees. Eyes darting nervously around him, he closed all his books and ran to his bed, flipping the covers all over himself and hiding under them.

Entirely creeped out, Gohan prayed to Kami that nothing bad was going to happen to him, not this year.

_Please not this __**year**_…

A flash of lightning went outside his room and Gohan whimpered.

Goten stared at his brother's hidden form under the comforter and then left confused. Finding his mother, he tapped Chichi's leg and gestured to his brother's room.

"Kaa-san, big brother Gohan is hiding under the covers," Goten said in his cute 'Love me, I'm an adorable little boy with the power to use the dreaded puppy eyes' voice.

Chichi blinked in confusion, "Gohan's hiding under the covers? Why?"

Goten shrugged, "Something bad is probably going to happen. Probably to him."

Chichi looked thoughtful, "Something bad, huh? This kind of thing always happens to Gohan. You're probably right, Goten. Ah well, nothing can do about it. Oh, my poor son!"

Restraining from wailing any more than she had after that last part, she ushered Goten towards his bed.

"Now, now, Goten. It's late. You should be in bed sleeping right. Good night, sweetie! I'll see you tomorrow. Breakfast is early, your favorite. Blueberry pancakes."

Goten happily scampered away to his room to sleep, while Chichi was left behind to sigh in woe. Her family never gets breaks! Turning to see her mess of a kitchen, she glared and fire lit up in her eyes as she attacked it in fervor.

Whether her aggression came about from her son's situation or that she agonized over her kitchen's apocalyptic state (it had to be kept clean, the mess was so very horrible in her eyes!) was not known. Perhaps it was a mixture of the two.

We'll just never know the truth…and that is perhaps the best thing. The truth…is too scary to comprehend.

Probably. It's Chichi, after all.

Revision (1): Started 7/5/08 –Completed 7/5/08


	2. Secretive Something

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ.  
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.  
Set after Cell but before Buu.  
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.  
Warnings: Dunno.  
A/n: Project Revision continues…If anyone actually wants to see the original chapters to compare, just ask. I can email them.

"I hope this helps to emphasize  
I hope this helps to clarify  
I hope you die." –_I Hope You Die by the Bloodhound Gang_

**A Ticket Out of HFIL**  
_Revised Chapter Two: Secretive Something_

They started to follow and after a boring adventure they arrived at the Grand Kai's planet. Here they were led to the steps and started to sit again. Suddenly the Grand Kai emerged and exclaimed delightedly, "This is going to be good!"

It was totally and utterly random that the HFIL group was wondering if it was such a good idea to mingle with these obviously crazy people –not that they were like them at all, no siree, they were quite sane… -and if they should've bothered coming in the first place. Everyone else was confused or bored, some busy watching the Grand Kai in shock.

Soon after everyone else who was invited came, there were two creepy guys forcibly pushing people into a certain order that was probably organized before they were all even gathered together. Cell grunted when one of the creeps, who had crossed eyes, pushed him into a chair. At least he didn't screech like Freiza did, freaking out and throwing a drama fit.

So then the first row contained a still shrieking Freiza, the fidgeting Ginyu Force, a glaring Koola, and a sighing Cell. The second row was comprised of a scarily leering Princess Snake, Raditz (who was inching away from Princess Snake), a bored Bardock, Garlic Junior (somehow the high beings manage to get him out… though he was smiling stiffly), and several others from Other World.

Everyone began to whisper to each other either catching up or wondering what this was about. The first row was soon in a circle making their own theories about why they were there.

Freiza was first to talk. "I bet that we're here for a tournament."

The others nodded at this until Koola spoke up. "But why would _we_ be here?"

"Well it's pretty obvious that this is really gonna be big. I mean look! All the Kais are gathering! I even heard that the Supreme Kai was coming!" A person dared to exclaim loudly. All eyes turn and saw that it was a cricket the size of a child. And one Goku trailing behind confuse. The villains all turn to look at him with a mix of anger and confusion.

Goku put on the trademark Son Grin…that's copyrighted. "Er… Hi guys!"

"So Goku, do you have any idea on what is going on?" the voice of his brother spoke.

"Uh…NO! Or maybe…"

The cricket narrowed its eyes.

"Eh… Ican'ttellsobye!" Goku said really fast and then he I.T. somewhere else, leaving the rest to wonder.

Not that Goku really cared about the orders he had to keep his mouth shut. By all means, he would've told them just to stick it to the man and also to be the bearer of bad news. Only, he'd rather just enjoy the look on their faces as the anticipation built up and all of a sudden the tournament would be revealed to them. The looks on their faces would be priceless.

Goku definitely wanted to just hang back and savor the reactions.

* * *

Gohan sighed, but continued listening to his mother lecture him about his studying. He just couldn't get over the sense of doom that followed him.

"Gohan, are you listening?!" Chi Chi's shrill voice caught up.

"Yes, Mother," Gohan intoned automatically.

And Chi Chi continued.

Gohan should really begin planning some protective measures. Maybe build a panic room while he was at it. Actually, it was a good idea to set up a perimeter. There were actually a lot of things he could do for protection…

Gohan scrunched up his nose adorably and then sighed, picking up his cell phone. He called a familiar number and called.

"Ah, Lucas dear, I have a problem that I want solved soon," Gohan drawled smoothly into phone. Hey! He was his father's son…his father who had habits people shouldn't and probably wouldn't want to know about.

"Yes, yes. About that. I was wondering about installing a panic room inside my bedroom. I'll want it fully stocked of course. A separate phone line that won't be able to be hacked into or cut off, a computer with installed internet, cable TV, _gourmet_ food packets, two walls of mini TVs for security watch on either side of my main TV, and a nice couch and four poster bed."

"Got it, boss. Anything else?"

"I want an electric strip in front of my back door and around the sides; the doorknobs for every door in the house and entrances are to be replaced with doorknobs that shock with 115 volts. Any glass windows are to be replaced with unbreakable glass, preferably Kwarx. The security cameras that will be located in every nook and cranny of my home will be connected to the security TVs in my panic room.

"I also want to build another layer to the walls from the inside. Anyone breaks in from the outside hits something solid. I want my doormat to trigger a collapsible floor right before the entrance, so any intruders would fall in. I was thinking of having a medium-sized pool filled with sharks…with lasers attached onto their heads.

"The area surrounding my house should be converted into a mine field. I want a barbed-wire fence around that, with electricity charging up the entire fence. On the inside, next to the fence, I want a 6 foot deep moat going all the way around, with piranhas. On the front entrance roof, facing over the fence, I want a flamethrower attached. Have a machine gun doing the same to the back.

"I also want high voltage floodlights installed on my roofs to completely light up the area. Let's have sleeping gas hoses attached at the top of the fence too. And get some tigers to guard around the surrounding woods. And elephants."

"…Anything else, sir?"

"A batcave would be nice. Oh! And an underground series of tunnels to the city. Some prison cells added in there and an incinerator."

"…An _incinerator_?"

"Yes, an incinerator. It's nothing you need to know about. Don't forget to water-proof, fire-proof, earthquake-proof, flood-proof everything. You know, the works."

"Gohan-taicho, are you building a fortress?!"

"Don't question me!" Gohan snapped into the phone before abruptly hanging up.

Eh, there was still a list of things he wanted to help the security for his house. Looking at a recent list he made, he began calling, ready to cross off or slash an item on his list. A list that included:

-Fratello (He'd heard about them from an underground contact…)

-Transgenic (Of course he needed a genetically-engineered super soldier to guard his house.)

-Familiar (Hey, they're even better than transgenics. He couldn't be caught unprepared.)

-Assassin (He was thinking of Schwarz, but he didn't need the entire team. Crawford, the leader, would do.)

-Harry Potter (Harry'll probably help him. Though, last Gohan heard, Harry was busy taking over the Wizarding World as the next Dark Lord…)

-Killer Doll (…)

-Vampire (Hopefully, he'd find one. Can never be too careful and always a good idea to have one on your side.)

-Runes (Gohan'll just have Harry do those.)

-Darth Vader (He'll find a way to pull this off.)

-Secret Agent (M owed him a couple favors.)

-Batman (He'd find a way to pull this off too.)

-Ninja (He'll hire some from a ninja village or something.)

-Alchemist (Maybe he could get the infamous Edward Elric…)

He wondered if he could hire Shenlong to guard his house for a day or two.

* * *

Lucas Smithson sighed, his hand cramping from writing down everything his regular costumer had wanted for this new installment.

Sometimes he thought his employer really was insane. Or shady. Or maybe just paranoid. Regardless, Son Gohan always wanted something weird, but at least brought in business. As long as the money kept rolling in, he didn't really care.

Then again, where _did _Gohan get the money to buy all of it from?

Again, not really sure if he wanted the answer to that, Lucas continued his work, gathering his papers and standing up with a resigned air.

"Alright, you morons! We've got another order from the boss! Hop to it!"

The mad scramble of the workers of the shady, secretive organization set the pace of just another ordinary day in H.E.L.L. Inc.

How  
Everyone  
Learns to  
Love

Oh, the _irony_…

* * *

Gregory the Cricket and Bubbles the Monkey were having a very animated talk. You can only characterize them as Bubbles the British, however, and Gregory the German. That's right. Bubbles, as everyone knows, speaks with a British accent while Gregory, when not in the company of people he liked to annoy (coughKingKaicough), had a German accent.

"It's fabulous. You see, this lounge chair can be carried anywhere and is very comfortable. I plan on using it to my advantage as I watch the unfolding events," Bubbles nodded aristocratically.

Gregory sighed, "Do you think I can get Goku to get me one as well? I need something comfortable, but everyone's being a shi –"

"Hey there, guys!" Goku suddenly appeared.

"Goku, what are you doing here?!" Bubbles exclaimed in fright.

"Just the man I was thinking of!" Gregory said at the same time.

Goku gave them a sheepish grin and scratched his head. "Well, you see…I'm kind of hiding from the others. Temporarily, that is. And what can I do for you, Gregory?"

"I want a lounge chair like Bubbles'."

Goku nodded, "Can do, see you in a few!"

He I.T. again, leaving them behind. However, Goku decided to make a detour. It was probably time for his daily scare Gohan hobby.

Seeing Gohan half-sleeping in his chair, trying to vainly focus on his homework, Goku snuck up behind his son and yelled out, "BOO!"

Immediately he I.T.'d away, but not without seeing Gohan shriek and jump into the air, wildly looking around him with terrified eyes. Goku cackled as he began shopping for a lounge chair, scaring the other shoppers around him. Maybe he should pick a lounge chair up for himself…

Gohan, on the other hand, had quickly dialed H.E.L.L. services to yell at them to hurry it up and "securitize" his home. The sooner the better, in his opinion. Or rather yelled out order.

Revision (2): Started 4/8/08–Completed 8/9/08


	3. Has Goku Gone Insane?

Disclaimer: I don't own. Don't sue because you ain't gonna get jack.  
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.  
Set after Cell but before Buu.  
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.  
Warnings: Dunno.  
A/n: Project Revision continues…

"_I hope ya flip some guy the bird  
__He cuts you off and you're forced to swerve  
__In front of the Beatles' tour bus  
__A Bookmobile and a Mack truck  
__Hauling hazardous biological waste  
__The light turns red you have no brakes  
__And Hard Copy gets it all on tape  
__So you can see the look on your face ." –I Hope You Die by the Bloodhound Gang_

**A Ticket Out of HFIL**  
_Revised Chapter Three: Has Goku Gone Insane?_

Goku didn't go very far when he came back. He could still hear all the whispering as he walked to the Grand Kai's Palace. The meeting was boring, but as Goku could hear the irritation from outside, he was well entertained. There were weird things being said out there, especially by Freiza. He was interrupted when King Kai, who was next to him, exclaimed a joke. It was lame as always, but Goku laughed with the rest of them. He continued listening to the gossip outside.

He excused himself to the bathroom. On his way there he let loose a loud, evil cackle that resounded throughout the hallway. As he thought on the tournament he chuckled even more. That done he continued on to the bathroom to do his business.

Meanwhile, when the Kais heard the cackle they jumped about a foot high. Settling back down their eyes shifted everywhere. Whatever it was, it was evil. Er… actually it was just Goku showing his evil, sadistic side. Or is it his saiya-jin side? Does it really matter? Is there a difference? Eh, anyway they don't know that.

MEANWHILE, when those _outside_ heard the cackle they searched for the source, their chi rising. All of them where looking for fight and there was no way in hell were they going to wait for the tournament. Goku was coming out of the bathroom and knew this, so he did his best impersonation of God. His voice boomed out, making it seem as if it were coming from all sides. It scared them real bad, making some pea in their pants.

:cough:ginyuforce:cough:

:Ehem:

"YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A FIGHT? WELL THEN, HERE IT SHALL COME!!" And then a gigantic cage appeared. Soon followed two chickens, half the size of the cage. The chickens began to scratch and claw at each other. Sometimes even smashed into the cage.

The crowd looked on in wonder and confusion. Goku though, was having the time of his life.

Under his breath he whispered, "April Fools."

Figuring that he could take some time to himself, Goku I.T.'d to Earth and searched out Vegeta. Finding his co-conspirator venting into a harmless punching bag, which was sadly reduced to a pulp, Goku took out a Scream mask from out of nowhere and put it on. Sneaking up behind Vegeta, he tapped his fellow Saiya-jin's shoulder and watched as Vegeta whirled around and freaked out after seeing Goku in the mask.

"Kakarot?!" Vegeta roared, after Goku took off the mask and began cracking up.

"What the hell are you doing here, Kakarot? I thought you were dead," Vegeta grumbled after both of them had settled down.

"I'm here to let you in on a little secret of the Kais. There's going to be a little tournament going on, purely for everyone's amusement, for the dead to get out of, well, being _dead_," Goku explained.

"And what is this tournament?" Vegeta asked somewhat interested. Even if he couldn't participate, being alive and all, at least it was supposed to be amusing.

Goku grinned evilly, "My poor traumatized son –"

"And paranoid," Vegeta stated matter of fact.

"Ahem. Like I was saying, my poor traumatized son will be participating by being the main object of the tournament. Numerous idiots are going to try to make Gohan fall in love with them in return for life or some such."

Vegeta snorted, "That is some fucked up shit."

"Hell yeah."

The two bumped fists.

"I'm assuming you need me to do something," Vegeta smirked.

"Well, assuming you know what I'm talking about, I'm thinking of adding even more spice to this tournament," Goku returned the smirk.

"Betting pool."

Goku cackled and Vegeta waited patiently for Goku to calm down before speaking again.

"Do you know the contestants yet?"

Goku sighed dramatically, "No, not yet. But that doesn't mean I don't know who's going to be in it."

Vegeta raised an eyebrow, "How the hell do you know that?"

"Guaranteed asexual Cell, drag queen Freiza, cheerleading squad Ginyu Force, imitation Koola, ice pick Garlic Jr., and stalker Princess Snake."

"Again, how do you know that?"

"They're desperate enough. That answers everything," Goku deadpanned.

"Got it. Get me folders with all their information on it and I'll start the betting pool."

Goku saluted him and then I.T.'d away.

* * *

In a quick instant, Goku was back with their files, all done by him. It started with Cell's.

Name: Cell  
Gender: …Unknown…(Presumed…male?)  
Species: Android  
Voice: Sexy  
Physical Appearance: Overall cockroach look…handsome face.  
Motto: I'm perfection, worship me!  
Comments: I'll win this because I'm God's gift to Gohan. I so kick ass. In fact, I am so perfect that perfection has become underrated. It was why I was born. To be _perfect_.

Name: Freiza  
Gender: Female. So female.  
Species: Never found out that…  
Voice: Totally female.  
Physical Appearance: Female. Lizard. Unattractive androgyny.  
Motto: I'm so pretty! Oh so pretty!  
Comments: That loser Cell has nothing on me! He thinks he's so perfect! I'm better! BETTER, I TELL YOU!!

Name: Ginyu Force the Group (Too insignificant to separate)  
Gender: All male, though Jeice is questionable.  
Species: ??  
Voice: Okay. Some of them annoying. Jeice's is sort of cute.  
Physical Appearance: Jeice is A+ , but he's the only one. He is the pretty boy, after all.  
Motto: We are the Pretty Soldiers Ginyu Force! In the name of the moon –uh, galaxy –we shall punish you! Fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight, never running from a real fight, we are the ones named Sailor Ginyu Force!  
Comments: We like to play Rock, Paper, Scissors. We have fun making cheers, performing cheers, doing kareoke. We also like cheese, butter, cream, yogurt, and especially milk. Anything dairy. And we're the Ginyu _Special Corps_! That's Ginyu Tokusentai, dattebayo!

Name: Koola  
Gender: More male than his brother.  
Species: Same as Freiza.  
Voice: Again, better than his brother's.  
Physical Appearance: Super more male than his brother.  
Motto: I'm not just a copy!  
Comments: Does anyone actually care I'm a copy of Freiza? I mean, if I'm more supposedly male and better than him, does anyone really care?

Name: Garlic Jr.  
Gender: Male  
Species: Makyoan  
Voice: Eh, grating.  
Physical Appearance: Short. Super short. Midget short.  
Motto: I'm not short. I'm vertically challenged, got it?  
Comments: My smile is not fixed. It is not frigid. It is NOT frozen!

Name: Princess Snake  
Gender: Female  
Species: Snake  
Voice: Lovely. Absolutely terrifying when angry.  
Physical Appearance: Humanoid appearance pretty. Dragon scary as hell!  
Motto: Come into my abode! I won't bite. Much.  
Comments: Aren't I lovely? I'm very beautiful. Why didn't Goku stay with me?! Why didn't he let me EAT HIM THEN?! AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?!

Name: Brolly  
Gender: Macho Male  
Species: Saiya-jin (Whoop!)  
Voice: Dashing.  
Physical Appearance: Kick-ass man's man. Handsome, muscled, sex on legs.  
Motto: It's not monkey see, monkey do. It's do what I say or else.  
Comments: I hate Kakarot, but things change. And I am sexy as hell.

Goku frowned, "Hey, I'm sex on legs. I should change that…"

Vegeta rolled his eyes, "You moron. You wrote this yourself, didn't you?"

"So?"

"It's obvious you wrote it. And Freiza is male, remember?"

"…So? It's not that obvious. You can't tell! Freiza's female, dammit!" Goku said adamantly.

Vegeta shook his head, muttering about crazy idiots. "And what's this about Brolly?"

Goku shrugged, "I'll get him into the tournament. And he's all male. He beats out all the other contestants hands down. You can't tell if the others are male or what, most of them are ugly, Princess Snake is crazy, etc. etc. They're all shady characters. Very questionable."

"Are there any females willing to enter this tournament? Other than this Princess Snake. Which, by the way, snake is not a species."

"Bah, no. No female is desperate enough for this. Princess Snake's just mentally imbalanced. Females are too self-respecting and independent for this kind of thing."

"Whatever you say."

Goku nodded with a smug smile, disappearing without a trace. Vegeta sighed and looked at the small stack of folders in his hand. There was a lot of work he had to do.

* * *

Back in the Other World, they were watching the chickens fighting enthusiastically. Their boredom had become so high that they were willing to watch the cage chicken fight that some omniscient god deigned to gift them with. Not that they knew it was Goku or anything. If they did, they would be highly confused and irritated instead of the ruckus they were causing now. Although, how Goku did get those chicken there like that…

"Alright, 50 on Bob this round!" Cell yelled.

The Other World was currently holding a betting pool on which chicken would win. They've been doing so for the past twenty or so rounds, and the chickens were still raring to go. The right was Bob and the other was Johnny. Koola was booking the betting pool with help from Captain Ginyu.

Damn, these people have betting problems.

"Boss, boss! Aren't we going to practice our cheers?" Recoome asked, bottom lip quivering.

Ginyu waved his hand erratically in a shooing motion. "Go away; I'm trying to make money."

The rest of the Ginyu Force cried huge rivers of tears, clutching onto each other.

"We've been abandoned!" Guldo sobbed.

Goku laughed manically to himself, watching with amused interest. Deciding that enough was enough, Goku threw in a small, like ant-sized small, spirit bomb into the field and saw the big explosion come up in pretty colors, along with screams of horror and shrieks of terror. He fully expected a big hole there, along with mindless destruction and utter decimation of landscape. He also expected paranoia to takeover many of the losers there and start a panic.

He was correct in all accounts.

Revision (3): Started 8/9/08 –Completed 8/10/08

A/n: No actual chickens were harmed during filming. Right.


	4. Free For All! Part 1

Disclaimer: I now have 160. I'm steadily climbing the ladder. However, I currently have owned nothing else.  
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.  
Set after Cell but before Buu.  
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.  
Warnings: Dunno.  
A/n: Project Revision continues…

"_Die die die die die die die  
__Die die die die die die die." –I Hope You Die by the Bloodhound Gang_

**A Ticket Out of HFIL**  
_Revised Chapter Four: Free For All! (Part I)_

The Kais were growing restless. Where was the Supreme Kai? He was supposed to be here an hour ago. Or wait. Was it an hour ago?

Stupid time. Not working in the Other World.

The others outside were restless, too. I mean, why else would they have started a full-fledged free for all fight? Currently, Freiza was outrageously firing off as many death beams as he wished, the Ginyu Force was trying to make new poses, Princess Snake seemed to have found her sights glued to Cell and was currently glomping him while he tried to pry her off, Raditz would once in a while throw out a ki blast, and it went on like that. Goku, however, was just sitting on the rooftop where the Kais could hear him rooting and laughing. He was _not _helping at all.

A random ki blast, most likely from Freiza, hit the Grand Kai's palace, where it rather created an earthquake for the people inside, or on top (although Goku seemed unfazed by it and continued his cheering).

The Kais all agreed that they would make them pay with this tournament. They all smirked evilly at that thought.

Oh yes…there will be definite hell going on. And the higher beings will get to enjoy the humiliation and the pain these psychopaths will have to endure. The pleasure…

They just couldn't wait.

Despite all that, the free for all continued on. Goku decided to finally join in by tackling his brother and began tickling him mercilessly. Laughing maniacally, Goku cheated by I.T.ing everywhere. After leaving his breathless and sides-in-stitches brother alone, Goku transported behind Cell and seeing Princess Snake holding on in a vicious grip and Cell almost successfully prying her off, tripped the android and giggling disturbingly when Princess Snake finally managed to pin Cell to the ground. Goku outright laughed when Cell screamed like a girl.

It continued on like that, Goku transporting behind unsuspecting people and messing them up. Freiza began throwing death balls instead and Goku retaliated with spirit bombs. Koola was observing everything very coolly, taking pictures every once in a while. Ginyu was hoarding the betting money to himself, eying everyone and snarling at anyone who came close to him. The other members of the Ginyu Force were still crying and sobbing all over each other. Garlic Junior was smiling fixatedly at the chaos, watching next to Koola.

"It's open season!" Goku crowed happily, firing up a kamehameha and letting it go in a wide arc, blasting a bunch of people in the way.

Cell finally got rid of Princess Snake, firing a kamehameha himself and countering Goku's. They both tried to overpower the other until Goku had a wicked idea. Subtly directing their kamehamehas, Goku forced it to the side of the Grand Kai's palace, destroying a part of it. Seeing the destruction, Cell and Goku glanced at each other in the eerie quiet. Then they smiled evilly at each other and then moved to be back to back. Then hell reigned as they started blasting away their assigned directions.

Everyone began running away from the two in fear and panic. The two shared a maniacal laugh.

In the Grand Kai's palace, all the Kais had moved to the basement floor. They were securing everything, hard helmets plastered onto their heads. Another explosion rocked the building, unbalancing their feet. Several of them cursed while the others began wailing.

The Grand Kai, unfortunately, wasn't helping. In fact, he just sat in the corner, looking like he was watching them while he was actually staring off into space. A cloud of hazy, dark gray smoke floated around him as he held a blunt in his forefingers. Every so often he'd place it between his lips and inhale and exhale. He'd also strum a few notes on his guitar.

"A-at least our bomb shelter is ready and prepared for an assault and to protect us," King Kai nervously said.

The Grand Kai nodded blankly.

Suddenly, Goku popped in there. He swiped the blunt from the Grand Kai's hand and took a smoke. Blinking, Goku giggled disturbingly.

"Hey, this is some good stuff." Goku grinned and then popped away.

Several seconds went by, and the Grand Kai just sat there, blankly sitting with his fingers still in the air, positioned as if they were still holding the blunt. Then, slowly, he began turning red. His whole face resembled a tomato.

"GOKU!" He roared in anger and blasted out of the makeshift bomb shelter, running out in rage after the saiya-jin.

* * *

Lucas Smithson nodded obediently as Gohan glared at him. His boss was wearing a pimp suit, quite unlike his usual look, which consisted of a pinstripe mobster suit and hair slicked back. He didn't comment on it as he was sure Gohan would snipe at him.

"How long is this whole project going to take?" Gohan growled and Lucas shivered.

"A-about a month, sir," Lucas' voice cracked.

"Get on it then!"

All the workers onsite scrambled to get started, panicking and fearful for their lives. Chi Chi calmly washed dishes in her kitchen, not minding the noise or racket. She didn't say about the workers, just humming along cheerily.

"Hey you, mister," she glared at one of the workers. He froze. "You're leaving dirt trails on my floor."

He apologized profusely, cleaning his tracks as he hurriedly escaped. Both the son and wife of their divine Goku were scary as hell.

"I hate the color, change it," Gohan growled, looking pointedly at the maroon carpeting of his new panic room.

The worker he was confronted with squeaked in terror and bowed rapidly.

"Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir," he kept saying, bowing out of the room.

Gohan huffed and glared harder. The worker shrieked and jumped into the air, turning and running away.

Goten watched the proceedings confused. Who _were_ all of these people in his home? And why was Gohan dressed up like that? Heck, was why his mom ignoring what was going on around her?!

"Brother?" Goten tugged on Gohan's sleeve. Gohan turned violently and then blinked when he saw who it was.

"What's wrong, Goten?" he grinned at his little brother.

"What's going on?"

Gohan hid his grimace. "Oh, nothing. Just usual for the Son family. Torture, world domination, inserting authority, and inciting fear in the eyes of the people."

"…That's the _usual_?" Goten asked in disbelief.

Gohan nodded cheerily.

Holy cow, his family was insane.

* * *

Vegeta studied the folders closely. "So, woman, who are you betting on?"

Bulma snorted, "Are you sure they're in it?"

"Kakarot's sure."

Bulma brightened up, "Well, if Goku's sure…"

Vegeta grumbled and glared at her. "Well?"

"Do you know if anyone else is entering?"

"Kakarot and I think a couple more saiya-jins will enter because the Kais will think there's too little of them in it. I think Zarbon will definitely come for sure. He's too prissy and narcissistic not to. He'd probably think he easily win Gohan over because he's so handsome. That man is way too vain…"

Bulma shrugged, "You got the folder for him?"

Vegeta nodded and handed it over.

Name: Zarbon  
Gender: Male  
Species: Unknown  
Voice: Smooth talker  
Physical Appearance: Not bad…not bad at all…though be leery of when he transforms into a lizard thing.  
Motto: I love myself. Everyone should love me also. Why shouldn't they?  
Comments: It is so hard to be beautiful. Everyone gets so jealous of my beauty. They just don't understand how hard it is! But I must bear this burden of beauty myself…

She coughed into her hand, "Goku wrote this, didn't he?"

"And all the others."

She shook her head and muttered under her breath, "That's Goku for you."

Aloud, "Well, Zarbon's a little too pretty. I think I'll go with Cell."

Vegeta blinked at her in surprise, "Are you serious, woman?!"

"What? Why not?" she arched an eyebrow.

"Because! Those two hate each other. Kakarot's brat killed that freak and I'll bet he's not happy about that."

"Of course he wouldn't be. Doesn't take a genius to realize that's a fool's bet. But Cell is desperate enough to enter so who knows?"

Vegeta stared at her. Was she out of her mind? Did she realize who she was betting on? And there wasn't even proof yet that Cell had a chance!

"Well?" she said impatiently.

He turned his nose up at her, "Very well. If you're so sure of losing money then place your bet."

She rolled her eyes, taking out her wallet. "I'll place a starting bet of 100 yen on Cell."

Vegeta collected it, and took all the folders back. "I think you're insane, woman."

Bulma smiled menacingly. "Now, now, Vegeta. Don't get all huffy with me. In fact…why don't you follow me?" she purred.

Vegeta panicked as she dragged him away, wondering at her strength and questioning how in the hell was he unable to get away from her vice grip.

* * *

"Goku-sama! Your family is scary!" Lucas wailed.

Goku nodded and patted Lucas' head patronizingly. He had managed to sneak away from the free for all for just a second, and was planning on returning after seeing to his workers.

"It's alright, Lu-kun," Goku smiled, though Lucas couldn't see through it to its root evil.

You see, Gohan may be their boss (he did inherit the family business and all), but Goku was their…ahem, _God_. Hence, Gohan was all about business while Goku was all into the almighty ruler role. Also hence why he was planning on taking over the Other World, starting with HFIL.

"Now, Lu-kun, you must listen to me carefully," Goku said slowly.

Lucas nodded fervently.

"Good boy. What I want you to do is do everything Gohan had asked of you. His little project is fine. It won't get in the way of my plans. However, I want to be able to watch everything. Get a magical spy rune hooked on the area and I'll find a way to hook it up to my own little pet project. Though, I want you to build something for me as well. A theater that I'll hook the magical spy rune to."

"Yes, sir! Anything else?" Lucas eagerly asked.

"Nothing yet. I'll call on your services soon. Be ready."

"Hai!"

Goku smiled at him one last time before I.T.ing away back to the Other World. He watched as the utter chaos he'd incited continued on blissfully. Cell was sitting to the side, where Goku had left him, smoking the blunt that Goku had stolen from the Grand Kai…who was currently targeting Freiza and throwing all sorts of ki blasts at him.

The vaguely hazy look in Cell's eyes greeted him as he moved to sit next to him, taking the offered blunt and taking a smoke out of it.

"This really is some good shit," Goku commented.

Cell nodded in agreement, "Yeah…it is. Though I've actually had better. Mine's the best shit, man."

"Really?"

"Hell yeah. I'll bring some. If I can find any…" Cell scrunched up his nonexistent eyebrows.

"Is it down there?" Goku pointed towards HFIL.

"I think so," Cell slurred.

"I'll be back." Goku popped out and then was back with a big bag of Mary Jane.

"This it?"

"Yup."

They lit up and watched the free for all in the corner, while getting high.

Started 8/11/08 –Completed 8/13/08


	5. Free For All No More! War Time! Part 2

Disclaimer: I keep spending and spending. So I'll probably never have enough.  
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.  
Set after Cell but before Buu.  
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.  
Warnings: Dunno.  
A/n: Project Revision continues…Rating changed to M, just to be on the safe side…

"_You must die I alone am best. _

"_I hope ya flip some guy the bird  
__He cuts you off and you're forced to swerve  
__In front of the Beatles' tour bus  
__A Bookmobile and a Mack truck  
__Hauling hazardous biological waste  
__The light turns red you have no brakes  
__And Hard Copy gets it all on tape  
__So you can see the look on your face _

"_Die die die die die die die  
__Die die die die die die die _

"_I hope your Pinto begins to spin  
__Takes out a disabled Vietnam veteran  
__Mows down a Nobel Peace Prize winner  
__And maybe some orphans having Christmas dinner  
__Perhaps even the British Royal Family  
__And the Rabbi that's clutching the bottle-fed puppy  
__And we can't forget the newlyweds  
__And those Jerry's Kids are as good as dead _

"_I hope this helps to emphasize  
__I hope this helps to clarify  
__I hope you die _

"_I hope your cellmate thinks he's God  
__But C.N.N. refer to him as Bowling Ball Bag Bob  
__Serving time again for abuse of a corpse  
__Only this time the victim's a Clydesdale horse  
__While he masturbates to photos of livestock  
__He does the Silence Of The Lambs dance to Christian Rock  
__Eats feces and quotes from Deliverance  
__And fights with his imaginary playmate Vince _

"_Die die die die die die die  
__Die die die die die die die _

"_I hope he grins like Jack Nicholson  
__And forces you to play a game called Balls On Chin  
__And whatever happens next is all a blur  
__But you remember fist can be a verb  
__And when you finally regain consciousness  
__You're bound and gagged in a wedding dress  
__And the prison guard looks the other way  
__'Cause he's the guy ya flipped the bird the other day _

"_I hope this helps to emphasize  
__I hope this helps to clarify  
__I hope you die _

"_I hope you die." –I Hope You Die by the Bloodhound Gang_

**A Ticket Out of HFIL**  
_Revised Chapter Five: Free For All No More! War Time! (Part II)_

It was silent. Just before when a free for all fight had taken place in that same area and there were all sorts of noise, it was just quiet now.

There were whispered passes and there was the wind howling that also contributed to the eeriness of the situation.

"Aiyahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

In their bomb shelter, the Kais were still waiting for the Supreme Kai. However, he was still not present. The Grand Kai had actually came sulking back, glaring at them and daring them to say anything. As far as they knew, Goku had long since left the rooftop. At least that was what they thought as there was no noise going on, and it was way too quiet for their tastes.

At the moment, they were discussing the tournament in whispered voices. They had everything all planned out. It was just a matter of time. So, HURRY UP SUPREME KAI!!

They were praying for a miracle. Or at least for the Supreme Kai to show up already.

All of a sudden there was yelling and the Kais jumped from their spot and ran towards a sliver of a window, sliding the metal piece open so they could see what was going on. What they saw, they couldn't believe it.

And it definitely scarred them for life.

There came eruptions. They were divided. It had no longer stayed as a free-for-all, but a war. There were two sides and Goku led one and the other was co-ruled with Freiza and Cell.

"Give up, Goku! You can never win!" Cell was on the other side with Freiza conducting a chorus round of "We are the champions!"

The ones on Goku's team consisted mostly of saiya-jins and a couple of others who didn't want to join with Cell or Freiza.

Goku sneered and said, "We will never give up!"

His team then proceeded to duck down and Goku yelled, "Release fire!"

Everyone who sided with Goku readied themselves. Some formed their arms and hands into guns and fired off ki balls repeatedly like they held machine guns. Others formed the ki balls and threw it over their shoulders like grenades.

Cell ducked behind his sides' barrier and yelled to his team, "Counter! Fire off as many ki blasts as you can! Fight dirty! You there! Sneak over and try to get as many of them as you can! Hell, be kamikaze if you have to!"

Goku began to release his own brand of bombs, specifically nuclear like, which was the kamehameha. Screaming could be heard.

Both sides' leaders were screaming out orders rapidly. They were all determined not to lose.

Then Goku brought out the big bomb. A spirit bomb, very small, but never the less powerful. He had this maniacal glint in his eyes. His team was cheering him on. The saiya-jin side he had normally kept hidden was let out and he laughed crazily.

"What's going on?!"

Goku turned to face a purple-skinned guy. Goku just laughed the question off and threw the spirit bomb at him. The purple-skinned guy's eyes widened.

King Kai came out to try to stop Goku. He had ran out of the bomb shelter like a bat out of hell, running faster than he'd ever run in his entire life. He looked like he was about to collapse.

"Goku, you idiot! That's the Supreme Kai!"

This time it was Goku's eyes that widened and he only said one thing.

"Damn."

* * *

"Woman, get these things off of me," Vegeta grumbled.

Bulma sighed and ignored him, turning to her other side and away from Vegeta.

"Dammit, Bulma! I have to finish going around taking bets!"

"Mmm, later. I'm warm," Bulma said without opening her eyes.

"I said NOW!"

Bulma flipped over to her other side again to glare at him.

"You're a saiya-jin. You can break if off," she said irritated.

He scowled, "I am unable to. You have some kind of hold on me, woman. I don't understand how I can't get out. What strange power do you have?"

"It's called charm," she grinned lecherously.

Truthfully, she had created the handcuffs from material that saiya-jins wouldn't be able to destroy. It was courtesy of Goku that she was able to get her hands on it. Well, him and some organization called H.E.L.L. Inc. She wondered if she could broker a partnership with them.

Ah, at least Vegeta was her first test subject with it.

Later, tired of Vegeta's grumbling and taking pity on him, she took off the handcuffs and let him roam free. He sped out and she sighed dramatically.

Vegeta, however, finally reached his target. Piccolo, oddly enough, was one of their best gamblers. As in, they could always count on him to bet, and not only bet but bet big. It was sadly a fact that most of the time Piccolo ended up poorer than he was before.

"Hey," Vegeta greeted the Namekian gruffly.

Piccolo grunted back.

"We're having another bet."

And just like that, Piccolo gained a small glint in his eye.

"What's the stakes?"

"A bunch of dead idiots trying to make Kakarot's son fall in love with them. The prize is life or something. Goku's encouraging it, thinks it's funny as hell."

Piccolo nodded and the saiya-jin wasn't sure if he had imagined the small and quick upturn of the Namek's lips. It should've brought a chill down his spine. Instead, it made him grin internally and begin tallying up the yen signs in his head.

"Who are the contestants?"

Vegeta handed it over and Piccolo skimmed through them. Worse, the Namek guffawed through some of them, the booming laughter frightening and strange coming from Piccolo's lips. Vegeta uncomfortably waited as Piccolo went through the files, eerily grinning at times.

Maybe he should've stuck with the human woman.

"I'll bet a starting bet of 100 million yen," Piccolo said smugly.

Vegeta twitched at the price and inwardly rolled his eyes, "On _who_?"

"On Zarbon. If Bulma is betting on Cell, I'll bet on him."

"Oh for Kami's sake!"

* * *

The panic room was on its way to being finished. It had been furnished and they were now just placing the TVs in. Pretty soon, all that was left was to hard wire some things and install everything else.

Gohan was beginning to screech at the progress.

All the workers were gathered outside and Gohan was on a platform in front of them, yelling about how he wasn't paying them to be dilly dallying.

"I'm paying you idiots for my security! Do you know how many people could've already tried to assassinate me in the space of time it's taking you to secure my home?!"

There were whimpers and moans all over the area. One or two of the workers were having panic attacks. Gohan was inwardly rejoicing, but outwardly continued to berate and yell at the poor folks.

Goten was gaping.

Their mother was still oblivious, going around the house cleaning and occasionally reprimanding a worker if they'd managed to dirty their home. Even by leaving so much as a fingerprint…

"Sir," Lucas interrupted their boss. He felt braver and more emboldened after the encouragement from Goku-sama, and eager to please the saiya-jin god.

Gohan swiveled his gaze to glare at him, his eyes flashing super saiya-jin blue for a second.

"What?" he snapped.

Lucas took a deep breath, "Um, taicho, we've also already begun construction on the moat and the electrical fence is being imported tomorrow. All animals are being imported after we're done, but they're ready to be shipped in. We've got the lasers for the sharks, and after we finish the panic room, we can go ahead and do the electrical floor stripping as well as the replacement doorknobs. We've been working on the underground tunnels at the same time, and we've worked day and night for it. The, uh, _batcave_ will have to wait until after everything else. We're still figuring out how to do that in addition to the other things we have to do."

Gohan nodded contemplatively. "I see. Huh, I was only semi-serious on the batcave, but very good. Well then, good work people. Now, get BACK to work!"

The mad scramble of people continued once again.

* * *

Bubbles and Gregory had been watching everything through a temporary spy rune that Goku had leant them. As long as everything was recorded, they were free to watch whatever was happening.

They laughed at Vegeta's misfortune, though they were more disturbed at Piccolo's behavior. Goku's H.E.L.L. Inc. were hilarious. There were so many ironies in it that they almost fell to the ground with their laughter. First the initials basically spelled out Hell, but they actually meant _How Everyone Learns to Love_. Hell and love…that's just great…

Secondly, the workers were pathetic most of the time. And they worked for a company with the initials of _Hell_. And with the most dangerous and insane contraptions.

Lunatics, the whole lot of them.

Thirdly, if anyone noticed, if killer sharks and electric fences is their idea of how everyone learns to love, then that is just a whole damn other level of insanity. And paranoia.

It all shows just how evil and insane Goku really is.

Though the war was pretty fun-looking. Goku went a little, actually more than a little, crazy at the end. Spirit bombs were dangerous, damn it! And the Supreme Kai, of all people! What was Goku thinking?

_Was _he thinking?

Dear Lord, since when did that monkey really actually think?

Bubbles grumbled at that.

Sorry, Bubbles. Didn't mean it that way.

"Quite alright, milady. Try not to do it again. At least, not in my presence."

Nodding.

Anyway, back to the topic. What was Goku thinking? It was obvious that he wasn't. Or maybe he was, and was purposely making things chaotic. You never know with Goku.

Still, it all made up for the entertainment. Plus, Goku was counting on Bubbles and Gregory successfully helping to record everything. They were thinking of making DVDs of the whole event, and selling them out to everyone. They were planning on making big bucks on this project.

That is, if things got more than just a little heated. And Goku was just the instigator to make things very _interesting_.

* * *

Chi Chi glanced confusedly at the worker in front of her. He was in her garden, taking samples and looking at them with a magnifying glass. She vaguely remembered seeing more of them before, and even talking to them about nonsensical things. Sometimes she berated them about the mess they left behind, and then there were times where she talked about the weather, etc. Like so, just earlier.

"How's the weather we're having?"

"Quite fine. In fact, it's excellent weather to work on the H.E.L.L. House Fortress Project."

"I see. Very well. Carry on!"

But now she finally really registered their presence and wondered what the hell was going on in her home. And who were all those people? And just what was H.E.L.L. House Fortress Project?

Several times she'd passed her youngest son, gaping and hiding in corners, slinking around in the shadows to get by. Then, knowing there were strangers in her home, walking around and doing whatever, she'd watched the events unfolding with confusion and bewilderment.

Even worse, she watched her first son, dressed like a pimp, strutting around and yelling at those poor people and then snapping at one man in particular all the time.

She didn't understand what was going on.

Started 8/15/08 –Completed 8/16/08


	6. Pinkie and Purple

Disclaimer: No way José. I can never own Dragon Ball Z. Don't even ask me if I do…I'll send you to an asylum.  
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.  
Set after Cell but before Buu.  
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.  
Warnings: Dunno.  
A/n: Project Revision continues…

"_There's a ska band, on my street,  
__There's a ska band, and everybody thinks that they're so fuckin neat  
__There was nothin on the radio, to make my own band play my own shows  
__That don't work so I'm givin up again  
__She said she loved me cause I play guitar  
__That's ok I never loved her at all and I'll say..._

"_Givin up because,  
__I know everything sucks, yeah  
__I know everything sucks, woah  
__I know everything sucks, yeah  
__And this is gonna be the last time, you hear me complain_

"_Well I went down, to the show  
__Everybody was there, I didn't wanna go  
__Cause everything they do is so fuckin' cool, every  
__Song is a hit and the girls like 'em too,  
__I can't do that so I'm givin' up again...  
__I don't know why I learned to play guitar,  
__Nobody's gonna know who we are and I say..._

"_Givin up because,  
__I know everything sucks, yeah  
__I know everything sucks, woah  
__I know everything sucks, yeah  
__And this is gonna be the last time, you hear me complain_

"_She said some day,  
__We'll get back together maybe,  
__She said some day,  
__Things'll be much better baby,  
__But I don't believe her,  
__And I don't think I need her anymore...yeah yeah yeah_

"_I know everything sucks, yeah  
__I know everything sucks, woah  
__I know everything sucks, yeah_

"_And this is gonna be the last time, you hear me complain." –__Everything Sucks by Reel Big Fish_

**A Ticket Out of HFIL  
**_Revised Chapter Six: Pinkie and Purple_

Now Goku was in big trouble. He was in BIG trouble.

"Goku! You stupid idiot! How could you?! The Supreme Kai, really…No excuse! For that I'll…I'll think of some punishment for you. And it'll make your skin crawl."

The others outside winced and felt sorry for Goku. They winced again as King Kai continued his rant. Goku, however, was staring at the Supreme Kai. Ignoring, King Kai he headed over to the highest one.

"So, you're the Supreme Kai, huh?"

The Supreme Kai nodded and this large dude right next to him stepped in front protectively.

"Who are you? His bodyguard? You want to fight, big boy? Let's see what you got, pink zoid."

The large pink guy's eyes widened and he stared at the guy who dared be so audacious.

The others outside heard Goku and started chanting, "FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT…"

King Kai was not happy at being ignored.

"Goku! What do you think you're doing? I was talking to you! Listen here, I'm not kidding around anymore. You get your butt over here and straighten out your act, monkey boy. And don't you dare disrespect these people…"

The saiya-jins outside roared at the monkey comment and started to chant, "King Kai is a freakin' blue fish!"

Goku turned around, eyes ablaze.

"Did you just call me a monkey? No way in hell. Yeah, well I'm proud to be a monkey, fishy! You want to fight, I'll give you a fight, you has-been! That's all you are! You're dead and you can't do anything about it! At least if I wanted to, I can go to hell, heaven and back, fool! All you can do now is suck up to the Supreme Kai. And you know what? You aren't worth it. I don't need to fight with a suck-up."

Everyone outside gaped for a moment before there was an outbreak of chants with, "Suck-up!", "FIGHT!", "Fishy!", and "Fool!"

Goku smirked and turned back to the Supreme Kai and the pink dude. They were also gaping at him, but they hadn't stopped yet.

"As I was saying before I was interrupted by a fish, so you're the Supreme Kai?"

The Supreme Kai nodded and moved forward, pushing out an arm to stop the pink person.

"I'll take care of this…Yes, and you must be the famous Goku. You're a bit different than I thought you would be."

"Nah…I'm just letting a bit of Saiya-jin pride show. Isn't that right, Saiya-jins!?"

The saiya-jins in the background screamed their approval. The Supreme Kai looked disturbed.

"Ahem…Right. Goku, you may call me Shin. This is Kibito."

Shin pointed to the pinkness monster.

Goku snickered. "Th-that's his name? Hehehe. Man, that name is so gay. If you add an o in front of the first i than you get _koibito_. That's Japanese for lover, you know that? Heh. Always thought you were queer from the moment I saw you. I mean…you're PINK…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Goku broke out in laughter and everyone else outside did as well, saiya-jin or not. Even the Supreme Kai couldn't resist a hidden cough slash laugh. Kibito blushed and he scowled at Goku.

"Right, the question I've been dying to ask you, Shin, ever since fishy interrupted me (_and King Kai was still ranting_) was that…are you really purple?" The other Kais fell down anime style and everyone else sweatdropped.

"Er…yes, Goku. I really am purple…"

"Cool! 'Cause I've seen green people and blue people, but I'm not sure I've ever met a purple person, or a pink one either."

At the last one, Goku smirked at Kibito. Kibito so wanted to smack that smirk off that face. Although, he couldn't because Goku is, of course, stronger.

The Grand Kai finally decided to interfere. "Hold up, hold up. Now ladies and gents, lets get crackin' on this case, eh?"

And soon the tournament will be revealed and start.

* * *

"Right, I understand. I'll keep them a secret, but I desperately need at least one pair. Ah, no. I don't mind taking the Hilshire-Triela pair. I don't mind taking the Jean-Rico pair, either. The more the better, I'd say. They're forcibly taking a vacation, you say? This'll be just fine for them," Gohan concluded his call to the Italian government, about the Social Welfare Agency, section II.

Ah, it's great to know he was soon going to have children assassins slash cyborgs.

"Hey there, Lydecker! I was calling about Project Manticore. Can I get a transgenic? Particularly one you'd recommend? That's great! You can get me a Familiar too? That's even better!"

He always thought the more the better. With Schwarz, he really was fine with just the leader. Farfarello was crazy and obsessed with making God cry, Schuldich made him paranoid and was a pervert, and Nagi just had issues…

"Bradley Crawford, been awhile since I talked to you. Do you think you can take some time out of your precious schedule for guard duty?"

Perfect.

He hastily put off calling Harry. The wizard was his friend, but Gohan wasn't going to deny Harry was crazy as hell. The killer doll, vampire, and runes he couldn't get just yet. But he'll find a way.

A half hour later, after blackmailing Palpatine into letting him borrow Vader for awhile, badgering M into getting him an agent, hiring ninja, and talking Roy to come around and bring Edward Elric with him. He was still working on the Batman thing…

Finally deciding he couldn't put it off any more, he called Harry Potter, dark wizard-slayer, aspiring dark lord, and not-so-secret megalomaniac.

"Harry, I have a favor to ask…" Gohan asked. He wasn't sure whether to be reluctant or pleased. Harry _was _one of his friends, but there were times where he had to question Harry's sanity. Especially now that there were rumors of his newly apparent overlord status.

There was heavy breathing on the other side of the phone that was making Gohan nervous. He was contemplating on the hanging up until Harry actually answered.

"Gohan?"

Giving a sigh of relief, Gohan related his problem to what was probably his best friend. Harry took awhile to talk back.

"I see," he murmured. "I'll help. I'll do the runes as well."

"How soon can you be here?" Gohan asked anxiously.

"As early as you need me. I could probably be there in a week, but if you really need me, tonight."

"Can you come tonight? You can leave early tomorrow to get your stuff ready, but I'd appreciate you coming a little early tonight for awhile."

More heavy breathing.

"Alright."

And then Harry abruptly hung up. Breathing a sigh of relief, Gohan put down the receiver. Now for that killer doll…

* * *

"Oh, for Kami's sake!" Vegeta roared. He threatening grew a ki ball in his hand and held it near Master Roshi's face. The old man sweated nervously, holding out his hands in surrender.

"Okay, okay! Bulma's betting on Cell. Piccolo's on Zarbon. I got it. Put me on 50 yen for Cell," Master Roshi gave a cheesy smile and a V-sign.

Vegeta huffed and discreetly rolled his eyes, turning to glare menacingly at Oolong. The pig yelped and hid behind Master Roshi.

"Bulma's usually got good luck and good instincts, or intuition, or whatever. But I ain't confident enough to put a lot. So I'll just be betting 10 yen on Cell," Oolong whimpered.

Vegeta growled.

"What a wuss," Yajirobi griped, picking his nose. "I'll take 100 on Cell too."

Are all these humans stupid?! Why were they all betting on Cell?! The only person who didn't so far wasn't even human!

Vegeta pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to ignore the urge to scream.

Please, someone. Someone bet on someone likely to _win_.

* * *

Gohan was walking around. He was thinking of a way to get a killer doll, preferably before Harry came. He narrowed his eyes as he caught sight of an ugly looking doll with freckles, limply sitting against a dumpster. It had ragged red hair and a stupid grin on its face. It also was wearing dirty overalls, with a tacky colorful striped long-sleeved shirt. Its red sneakers looked torn and there was dirt smudged everywhere on it.

Turning up his nose at it, though looking calculatingly at it, Gohan picked it up.

"You'll do," Gohan nodded.

Its grin turned into a sneer, "Hey, you bastard. I'ma kill you."

Instead of being frightened, Gohan gained an unholy gleam in his eye.

"Oh, you'll _definitely _do," Gohan cackled, taking out a black plastic garbage bag with unexplainable powers and stuffing the doll in it.

Humming merrily, the saiya-jin strolled along the street, like nothing had just transpired and that it was an ordinary day.

He came back to his house, stuffing the all-powerful black plastic garbage bag into a even more all-powerful black steel safe, yelled at some more workers, yelled at Lucas, kissed his mom on the cheek, and played tag with his brother.

It was all just an ordinary day, alright. At least for Gohan.

When night transpired, Harry popped into the middle of construction of the moat, unfazed at having to climb out and then proceeded to greet the saiya-jin normally.

"How's taking over the world?" Gohan asked wryly, not sure if he was asking out of pure curiosity to know if Harry really was doing so or if he was just teasing the wizard about those rumors.

"Quite fine, actually," Harry said without batting an eyelash, and striding beside Gohan.

Gohan almost grimaced and froze to the spot, but his body went on autopilot. He sighed instead.

What was he expecting? It was Harry.

Just shrugging off the whole thing, he just accepted it as being a part of Harry and excused it. He'll just have to explain it away as just another of Harry's attributes.

"Need help sleeping?" Harry asked cheerily.

Gohan sighed again. It was another attribute of Harry's, alright, just like Harry's tendency to mother him.

"Yes, Rikun," Gohan pouted.

Harry smiled happily, dragging his friend into his room and shutting the door behind them. At least, Harry didn't mind the nickname. Harry usually violently protested against shortening his name any more than it was. Harry just didn't understand how much shorter Harry could get without sounding utterly stupid or ridiculous.

Chi Chi blinked, not sure if she just saw another stranger, albeit a familiar and _very_ handsome stranger, come and dragged her son into his room.

Goten resigned himself to locking himself into his own room, and wondering when will all the craziness would end and he could live a normal, exciting life. Then again, he might stop complaining if Gohan let him help mess with the workers…he was dying to try out some ideas he had for pranks…

Revision (6): Started 8/21/08 –Completed 8/21/08


	7. How Desperate Are You?

Disclaimer: I'm so broke people…  
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.  
Set after Cell but before Buu.  
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.  
Warnings: Dunno.  
A/n: Project Revision continues…

"He- He- He- Hey  
He- He- He- Hey  
Yeah

"I just made an enemy of someone  
I don't know, and they are upset about something  
That I must have done, it really doesn't make much sense  
But I got no statement in my defense." –Somebody Hates Me by Reel Big Fish

**A Ticket Out of HFIL  
**_Revised Chapter Seven: How Desperate Are You?_

"You all will decide whether or not you will participate. The prize is great, but are you willing to go through whatever to win?"

Everyone was on the edge of his or her seats. None of them could understand why the tournament would be such a big deal. It was going to be a lot of fun and filled with fights so they couldn't understand the Kai gathering. However, Goku, as much as he had been on their side earlier, was smirking with mirth at the rest of them. He knew what the big deal was and it was payback time for the villains.

"Everyone! Prepare to make Son Gohan your ideal mate! If you succeed in making Gohan fall in love with you then you have your ticket out of here!" Everyone fell off his or her seats and then there was the clamor.

"What the hell?!"

"Wasn't there a tournament?"

"I thought we were supposed to fight!"

"Hell no!" and so on was the exclaims.

Goku was laughing his head off, the Supreme Kai choked on his drink, and the rest of the Kais held back their laughter and just smirked. Shin, though before he was not at first aware this was the tournament he had been invited for, laughed after he stopped choking. The idea was impossible and that was why it was interesting. Of course the Otherworld occupants would refuse and stay here and probably watch, so that meant that it was the HFIL's occupants competing. What a great way to punish them…

The Grand Kai continued amidst the protest. "Now the question is…how desperate are you?"

And that was the end of that. It was up to who decided it was worth being on some kind of reality show, for surely the Kais would be watching (they just didn't know that the Otherworld, Goku, and a couple of others would be watching as well). So, the question really was, 'How desperate are they?'

Cell was glaring at the wall in front of him. They had an hour before they could give an answer. Was he that desperate? It would be way too ironic, making the boy who killed you fall in love with you…

Freiza was at a standstill. He didn't really want to enter; he was teased enough by practically everyone that he was gay. If he did enter, that would give them more blackmail…

The Ginyu Force didn't even let the fact that Gohan was a guy, that he was the son of Goku, or that he was hella young sink into their heads before they signed up. When that information finally did sink in, they were like, '_Oh crap. What the hell did I just do?'…_

Princess Snake had hearts in her eyes. If Gohan looked anything like his father than it was a no brainer. Plus, Gohan was probably single too! It'll be an easier seduce than Goku had been…

For Radditz it was a no deal. He'll just watch with his brother. After all, Goku needs someone to make sure he doesn't go psychopathic again. And Goku did promise him some seats…

Garlic Junior couldn't move his mouth any more. All that smiling, hoping that he'd get out somehow, stuck to his face. His smile was stiff and frigid. There was no way in hell was he returning there, even if he had to make that little brat fall in love with him…

Koola was meditating. However, if one looked closely they could see his left eye twitching. Oh yes, Koola wanted out badly. But he wasn't the gay one in the family. No, that title belonged to Freiza. But he was so desperate…

Zarbon was not happy. Not happy at all. He hadn't been happy since Vegeta killed him and put him in this blasted place. He wanted revenge and he wanted to get the hell away from this drag. He wanted to leave. Was he willing to do this, though? Or are his needs deluding him…

Now there was no way Bardock was entering. He was already allowed in Otherworld and this was his grandson! Now why would he need to do a thing like that? Besides, he'd get to hang out with _both_ of his sons, watch his grandsons, and see for the first time, his daughter-in-law. It was a great life in death that he was living. Now to have that pesky King Vegeta off his case. Bardock was supposed to have been rid of him when the planet was blown up and they separated into HFIL or Otherworld…

King Vegeta was ecstatic. How amusing, this tournament! Oh, he won't enter. He'll just watch. Find some way to stay and watch. Perhaps that third-class warrior Bardock would have some way. And he'll have a chance to see his son. How is the Prince of Saiya-jins? How amusing, indeed…

Now was the time. Who had entered would have their names called out and they will have no choice but to go forward. After all, there is no turning back after this. Now was the time to reveal who was desperate enough.

"And the competitors are!" King Kai took one look at the list of names that were competitors, and cackled long and loud for a good minute or two.

"Cell!" There was scattered disbelieving applause, though most were just disbelieving and gawking.

"Freiza!" Someone coughed loudly to cover up the "Always knew he was gay…"

"Ginyu Force!" The group cried on each other's shoulder when they weren't called out individually.

"Koola!" There was awkward applause, but someone muttered, "I thought his brother was the gay one."

"Zarbon!" Regular applause, seeing as no one really knew him. He just soaked it up, basking in the attention.

"Garlic Junior!" –"Isn't he a kid?" Someone from the crowd commented.

"Princess Snake!" Everyone shivered and moved away from her, even if they were already far away.

"Remember, if anyone wants to join, they still can. Even if it's later on in the game. And good luck to the competitors! Give a hand to them," King Kai was still choking on his laughter, as everyone stopped their very brief applauses to realize what was going on and feel awkward.

It was quiet. No one clapped or anything until…

Goku started laughing. He laughed so hard and loud that it resounded everywhere. The competitors' eyes twitched and their hands clenched. Although, Princess Snake just fluttered her eyes at him. No one else laughed because they would've been creamed. This wasn't HFIL. You could actually lose your body here. Goku could take care of himself, though.

The others had turned towards him when he did that. He quieted down and just smirked at them all. When they turned away, he stuck up both middle fingers at them and stuck his tongue out.

And that concluded the calm before the storm. The calm was for the beginning of this whole thing and now when they get to Gohan there shall be that storm…

* * *

Goku quickly snuck away, appearing next to Vegeta on Earth. The prince lay sprawled over on his couch, a couch Goku vaguely recognized as belonging to Bulma's home, bottles of sake scattered around him. Vegeta had thrown an arm around his face, shielding it from light, and scowled grumpily.

"Kakarot," Vegeta greeted with a grunt, still not removing his arm.

Goku waved, even though Vegeta couldn't see him.

"You know, your senses are better when you're dead drunk. You could actually sense me this time," Goku smirked. "Unfortunately, I'm here on business."

Reluctantly, Vegeta removed his arm from its place on his face and stared at Goku with red-rimmed eyes. With a scowl, Vegeta slowly sat up.

"What is it then? What is so urgent so had to interrupt my pity party?"

Raising an eyebrow, Goku didn't comment further.

"Everyone I put in, except for Brolly –like I said, I'll deal with him –are the contestants for real. You can go ahead and reassure everyone that the contestants have been set. More can join later on, though, so we have to be ready to add on their names and inform everyone else. The last piece of business, we should put in our bets as well."

Vegeta cheered up immediately, "I'm putting 100 on Cell."

Goku blinked in surprise. "Okay…"

"What? Everyone's betting on that idiot."

Goku shrugged, "Whatever. Put a 10 yen starting bet on everyone for me. Depending on who's winning, I'll bet on more."

Vegeta snorted, "Cheat."

"Don't you know it."

A pause and then, "Say, Vegeta…It's about time to hooked up with Bulma."

Screeching uncharacteristically, Vegeta fired a ki ball at Goku's head.

"I have not 'hooked up' with that woman!"

Goku sniffed disdainfully, "Denial isn't very becoming of you, Vegeta."

"I said shut up!"

"Like I said, denial isn't very becoming of you. Nor is it just a river in Egypt."

"Are you stupid? Shut UP!"

"Tut, tut. Manners, my boy! I'm just to guide you along to your path of true love."

"Damn you, Kakarot! _One more __**word**_!!"

"…"

Vegeta sighed.

"You just need to open your eyes to see the truth," Goku ended sympathectically.

"Gah!"

With a roar, Vegeta then proceeded to chase Goku out of the house and into the streets, blasting cars and people out of the way of his prey.

That evening's news report consisted of news of UFO sightings near the ground, light flares, unaccountable destruction, government cover ups, conspiracy theories, and a whole truck full of brimstone and fire.

Coincidentally, H.E.L.L. Inc. was called onto the scene, but no one was sure what exactly was their involvement with the so-called accidents, gas leaks, etc. and following cover ups.

* * *

"Hey, Kibito…" Shin grinned at his bodyguard.

Kibito sighed and looked at him questioningly. "What is it, Shin-sama?"

"You know…this tournament is pretty funny. Actually, I'm quite amused."

"…Of course, Shin-sama."

Shin clapped his hands once in delight, "Then you don't mind entering?"

Kibito gaped at him, "_What_?!"

"I just thought it was a good idea, and more amusing if, to say, you would enter it and cause mayhem for me."

Kibito continued to gawk. His already pink skin darkened as a blush crept up on him and embarrassment filled him up. Oh God, the Supreme Kai was just as crazy as everyone! Lord, help us…

"Are you serious?!"

Shin sighed dramatically, and employed his most dreaded technique. The almighty Supreme Kai puppy eye attack. Copyrighted, patented, whatever. So long as it belonged to the Supreme Kai and that no one was allowed to use it, unless they had Shin's express, and I mean _express, _permission. And because it was so powerful an attack, it wasn't long before Kibito caved.

"Alright. I'll…think about it."

"Okay! Don't think about it too much –uh, I mean too long!" Shin grinned, waving enthusiastically as his subordinate walked away dejectedly.

Waiting for a second, Shin then held out a hand to his side, getting a high-five from Goku, when the saiya-jin suddenly appeared snickering.

"_Nice_! Good job, Shin Master! And you have so got to teach me that technique. I mean, I have the patented Son puppy eyes that's been passed down, but it wouldn't hurt to have variants, eh?" Goku chortled.

Shin nodded satisfactorily, looking smug. "Am I good or what? It'll be only a matter of time before he cracks. And that technique? I could try to teach you it, but I don't know. It is for the _Supreme_ _Kai_, after all. I guess we'll just have to see and find out, hm?"

"Perfect," Goku purred.

"So…who's in the lead in bets?"

Revisions (7): Started 8/22/08 –Completed 8/22/08


	8. A Shortage of Humor

Disclaimer: This is Fanfiction. Net. Of course no one here would own any of these animes or whatever. The only crap I own is the stories I write.  
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.  
Set after Cell but before Buu.  
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.  
Warnings: Dunno.  
A/n: Project Revision continues…  
A/n(2): and now the real games begin! Mwahahahahaha! The competitors shall suffer at my hands…  
A/n(3): I didn't bother to read through and correct typos, etc. Therefore, not really edited, except for the additions to the chapter.

Most importantly or not, I have a dictionary for you people.

Saiya-jiniese(d): Another name for the Saiya-jin race…I made it up for my self. I was bored, okay?

Saiya-jinized: Saiya-jin like. Or rather becoming like a Saiya-jin. Etc… I made this word up too, heh.

P.S. I'm using the spelling Saiya-jins instead of Saiyans. Why? Because not only does it look cooler, but also I spelled it that way in the first chapter. I just accidentally spelled it Saiyans in one of the earlier chapters. But for now on it will stay Saiya-jins, people!

"_Did you misunderstand something that I did?  
__Or was it one of my jokes that you did not get?  
__Or do you think you got the way I think all figured out?  
__What did I say to make you feel not cool?" –Somebody Hates Me by Reel Big Fish_

**A Ticket Out of HFIL**  
_Revised Chapter Eight: A Shortage of Humor_

The morning came in bright and early. Chi Chi smiled happily, ready to cook breakfast for her sons. And some workers, if they were willing to take a break from whatever they were doing. And that man from last night, if he was still here. The one that dragged her son into the room.

She paused.

Strange that.

Humming, she went to the kitchen and got the surprise of her life, seeing the very same man she had just been thinking of cooking in her kitchen in only his boxers. But that was such a delicious smell…

"Good morning, ma'am," he smiled cheerily at her.

"Good morning. It's just Chi Chi, young man," she smiled back.

"Then it's Harry."

Gohan lumbered into the kitchen in blue and white striped pajamas, yawning and still looking dead to the world.

"Gohan, mind your manners. We have guests," she admonished, still smiling as she took her seat. This was nice, being served for once.

Goten came in, not blinking at the scene and deciding it was time to get used to whatever was going on. It was too much trouble.

There was a bunch of clanking and swearing coming from nowhere and Harry, Goten, and Chi Chi looked up with strange looks on their faces. Gohan just sat down and yawned again.

"Don't worry about it. That's just a killer doll I kidnapped and placed in a super-powered garbage can that I put in a super-powered safe."

Harry nodded and went back to cooking, while the other two stared at him. Gohan shrugged.

"Mom, I'm having people coming over for the week. Just a heads up."

Chi Chi nodded numbly.

"I'll be leaving soon, Gohan. I have to get things settled back home. I'll have to warn Hermione that I'll be away for awhile, so she can set up the defenses and manage things while I'm away. Ron will have to be notified so he can plan the attacks without me. I also need to make sure my prisoners are treated…_well_."

The other two stared at him this time, while Gohan nodded in acknowledgement. Inside, though, he was a little freaked out that his friend really was planning on world domination. At least, the Magical World.

"Well, isn't this just another ordinary morning?" Gohan grinned.

Lucas walked by outside ranting about stupid Vegeta, stupid paperwork, and poor Goku-sama. They pretended not to hear all that.

* * *

Earth was a beautiful, refreshing, _disdainful _sight for the competitors of what looked to be a copycat of the Bachelor or something. The villains abhorred the sight of Earth for it was the home of their most hated enemies. And yet, it would also be their home for as long as the winner of Gohan's heart remains unfulfilled.

They grumbled about the situation and pouted all they wanted. It made no difference to the Kais. They could of course try to attack the earth; however, they'd have to answer to Goku, who was in the Otherworld, which also made no difference because of a new trick Goku had learned. Goku could just Instant Transmission his ass to Earth and kick all of their asses. Courtesy of the Kais' permission for him to leave the Otherworld.

Freiza was having the most trouble of all of them. He absolutely hated the place and would like nothing more to just Death Ball it to hell. He cursed and kicked a big rock nearby. His eye twitched and he pursed his lips.

Cell rolled his eyes. What the hell was he thinking? He knew there was about 10 (actually less than that) of him actually winning the "tournament". He sneered and glared at everything.

Zarbon smirked. Gohan most probably didn't know him quite well. After all, Gohan was just a kid when they first met. He was sure that the kid would fall in love with him quite easily. He _was_ the most handsome one there. He sneered as well and narrowed his eyes at the others. They didn't have a chance against the "All Powerful and Handsomest, Zarbon". His looks were to die for after all.

They traveled around for a while until they realized they didn't know where the hell they were and most definitely didn't know where they should go.

"So, you guys lost?"

The competitors jumped. Goku was right next to them. In unison, they all glared at him.

This time it was Goku who had rolled his eyes. Goku still hadn't seemed to have gotten over his Saiya-jin pride thing. Once they realized that they scooted away from Goku.

"Follow me, you dolts. My house is _not_ in the city. It's in a damn forest. Now hurry up. I don't have time for dorks."

Yep. He was still Saiya-jiniesed.

They flew with him to a place where it was surrounded by trees. In the middle of the surrounding trees was a cottage. And wait…was that a barbed-wire fence? And a moat? And why the hell were there so many people around there, scuttling around with tools and the like?!

Goku, however, recognize the workers and Gohan's little project. He sighed in pride of his son and his workers, watching them scurrying around and getting the job done.

They flew down to there and then a surprise for not only them, but also for the person who shouted.

"DAD?! Freiza, Cell, Ginyu Force…What the hell is all these people doing here?! Dad, what are _you _doing here?!"

Goku looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "Eh heh…This is just a dream, Gohan. Actually, it's a nightmare. Anyway, I'm not here so bye!" And Goku I.T.'d back to the Otherworld.

It only took a couple of moments, but soon Gohan had the whole picture. "Ah ha. This is just a nightmare. I see. I must have been stressing myself out for school and this is the result of it. A nightmare…" And Gohan promptly fainted.

The competitors looked at each other. They shrugged and one of them picked Gohan up. They started to a quick walk towards the cabin. Dear Kami…they hoped it wouldn't always be like this. Or else they were going to get burned.

First things first. They should always acknowledge that Goku's family is dangerous. Goku's new runt (and everyone's favorite little kid, exempting Trunks), Goten, was a wild thing and the competitors were sure the kid would ruin their chances. Then of course Gohan and Goku. But they didn't realize that a ningen onna could be as dangerous as a Saiya-jin, when with a pan…

They found that out when they met Goku's wife. Chichi was not at all what they expected. She was a hellion. At truth, the competitors knew this family was just made for each other.

Now who was the first to find that out? Why Cell and Freiza of course…

* * *

Shin's eyes watered. Kibito twitched.

"B-but you said you would do it!"

"Shin-sama, I said I would think about it," Kibito winced.

Shin sniffled and then screeched at him, "You liar! You horrid liar! I knew you would be unfaithful! I just knew it!"

"Shin-sama!" Kibito cried out in alarm.

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" Shin repeated, becoming louder as he continued. By then, they were gathering a bunch of onlookers. Kibito panicked.

"I'm sorry! I'll do it!"

Kibito immediately disappeared.

Shin huffed, eyes drying quickly. "Geez, I almost had to use my patented Supreme Kai puppy eyes technique again. That took some time." He smirked, "Oh well! Plan's set, should find Goku to tell him."

He strutted away, whistling.

Meanwhile, Kibito landed in the middle of the bustling city. In a store. In a _lingerie _store. Filled with women.

…

"Pevert!!" rang out from the store and into the streets as women screeched and threw their purses and whatever they could get they their hands on at him. Somehow, a chair was included, giving Kibito a huge headache that was amplified by the screeching.

By the time he got out, bras, underwear, you name it was strewn all over him as he ran out even redder than his skin was before.

Ah, c'est la vie, people. That's life for you.

* * *

Shin finally found Goku, finding out that he'd just dropped of the competitors, who were already off to a bad start. Finding out about Goku's son paranoia-induced project and Goku's own projects, Shin settled on the easiest to talk about project.

"It sounds very interesting. It'll probably be better than what the rest of the Kais here will be hosting, am I correct?"

"Damn straight," Goku smirked.

Shin sighed, "That's too bad. I'll be missing out. Just hearing about it makes me jealous."

Goku patted his back sympathetically, "I know. I understand. It's too bad you're not Saiya-jin. You would totally be invited."

The Supreme Kai pouted, but nodded. "Alright then. Good luck and have fun."

"I need your permission, just in case. You know how those losers," Goku rolled his eyes.

"You have my permission."

"Great! See ya later, Shin Man!"

Goku left to find his father, seeing him laying back and watching the Kais' workers getting things ready for the event. Goku muttered to himself about if it were his workers, they would be getting things done efficiently and faster.

"Yo, pops. Remember that thing I was talking about before?"

Bardock's eyes lit up, "You got permission?"

Goku smiled predatorily, "I got permission."

"Perfect. We should get started on the guest list. Whose on?"

"Naturally, all the Saiya-jins."

Bardock sighed, "Damn. I was hoping to get rid of King Vegeta."

Goku shrugged, "Have him start a betting pool here. If he's anything like his son, he would be a natural bookie. After all –"

"Like father, like son," they both finished off, grinning at each other.

"There's also one more person I want to add," Goku smiled even more predatorily.

"Who?" Bardock looked at his son in confusion.

"The Supreme Kai," Goku said smugly.

"The big man himself?"

"The big man."

The two shared another smug grin.

Revision (8): Started 9/15/08 –Completed 9/15/08


	9. Show Time

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Ball Z (just the DVD's).  
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.  
Set after Cell but before Buu.  
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.  
Warnings: Dunno.  
A/n: Project Revision continues…and is almost finished. Just a couple more chapters to go. And it's counting down, with two more chapters.  
A/n(2): I'm also leaving previous notices up in past chapters, if people hadn't noticed…  
A/n(3): Also, again not edited, except for the major additions to make the chapter longer and more interesting.

"He- He- He- Hey  
He- He- He- Hey  
Yeah

"I just made an enemy of someone  
I don't know, and they are upset about something  
That I must have done, it really doesn't make much sense  
But I got no statement in my defense

(What!)

"I know, no matter what  
No matter who  
No matter what I do  
Somebody hates me  
(Somebody hates me)  
Somebody hates me somebody hates me  
(Somebody hates me)  
Somebody hates me somebody hates me  
And I hate somebody too

"Did you misunderstand something that I did?  
Or was it one of my jokes that you did not get  
Or do you think you got the way I think all figured out  
What did I say to make you feel not cool?

(WELL!)

"I know it's wrong  
I do it too (I do it too)  
And I guess I should say  
Don't let it get to you

"I know, no matter what  
No matter who  
No matter what I do  
Somebody hates me  
(Somebody hates me)  
Somebody hates me somebody hates me  
(Somebody hates me)  
Somebody hates me somebody hates me  
(Somebody hates me)  
Somebody hates me (x5)  
And I hate somebody too (x5)

"Somebody like you..." Somebody Hates Me by Reel Big Fish

**A Ticket Out of HFIL**  
_Revised Chapter Nine: Show Time_

Cell was not a happy person. The other competitors were all set to try Gohan and yet he didn't have any idea, unlike they did, to charm Gohan. And his head ached too.

Why did he have a headache? Because of an earthling that was obsessed with frying pans. At least he wasn't the only one. Freiza was also supporting a rather large bump on his head and was belly aching about it. But it was beneath Cell to whine. So he just glowered. And ran.

"You-you big green cockroach! And you lizard! Out! All of you out!"

Gohan was still out and Goten was sporting an innocent and at the same time devilish smile. The Ginyu Force, Zarbon, and etc. were staring at the crazed pan wielder. At the time…she was chasing Cell and Freiza while swinging the pan at their heads, attempting to whack their heads off. It was bad luck for those two as Chi Chi smashed in their heads a couple of times. She was actually successful against two powerful beings.

"Watch it, ningen! Inferior human! Get away from me! Attack him! Attack him! Cockroach boy over there killed your husband! Not me! Your husband killed_ me!_" Freiza yelled while running away. Unfortunately for Cell, at that revelation, Chichi turned murderous eyes on "Cockroach boy".

And it was so, that Cell was stuck with no ideas, still being chased by that onna, and in a bad mood. Blasting a couch that was in his way, he continued to run away from Goku's wife. Freiza, by the way, sighed very loudly and heavily. Cell glared at the overgrown lizard and promised him silently that there would be hell to pay; Freiza just smirked back. The chase continued on.

At the same time…

"HAHAHAHAHA! Foolish android! Bear the wrath of my family! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!" Goku roared.

Raditz sighed and grabbed the back of Goku's gi, effectively pulling him down back onto the couch in which they watched everything in the Otherworld.

Bardock grinned and patted Goku on the back. "Your family may be humans, but they sure as hell are great picks! Never have I seen an onna fight so well with a frying pan…"

All was well with the Saiya-jins, Goku continuing to act very scary. However, there was something that the Kais noticed. Something was wrong with the whole picture. What was it? There weren't a lot of Saiya-jins participating. That was about to change.

Back on Earth…

Cell finally had an idea in mind. A pitiful one, but an idea none of the less. And there was actually a way to avoid the Paninator. Wake up her son so she could fuss over him then find a very good hiding place.

Cell had tripped on Gohan accidentally (Goten stuck his foot out and tripped him) and then panicked, seeing Chi Chi getting angrier with that. Of course he ran even faster and found Gohan's room. He hurled himself out the window and stayed at the back of the tree, hidden by leaves.

He saw the others being violently herded out of the house and then saw Chi Chi come into the room. Her eyes swept over the room looking for the telltale green and spotted armor. Missing it, she huffed and stomped out of the room.

Cell released the tension in his body and showed his relief. The door opened again and he tensed up. But it was Gohan who entered, still a bit dazed and for some reason looking nauseated, but it was still Gohan. At least it wasn't the evil that was the woman version of Jason with a pan. Cell allowed himself a grin.

It was show time.

* * *

Goku snuck away, kidnapping Lucas. Lucas, however, was happy to be kidnapped by Goku.

"Goku-sama, what did you need me to do?" he turned intense, ready to do whatever was asked of him.

"Get a couple of your workers. I need you to do an overnight job. I'll make sure you 're in and out, and that Gohan doesn't notice you're gone."

"Yes, Goku-sama!" he stood straight and saluted sharply.

Goku grinned. "Good, good. Things are already in production…"

The Saiya-jin got that out of the way, before sneaking back to be with his family in the Otherworld. He had plans for his brother Raditz after all.

Vegeta, on the other hand, had a feeling Goku was up to something. Grunting in annoyance, he sought out Yamcha. He'd already found Tien and Chiaotzu, who both voted for Freiza simply for the fact he was the one most likely to be gay. Dende had also voted for Zarbon, going with Piccolo's vote. For that, Vegeta thought he should've kept quiet and not influence the voting.

Now the idiot wannabe-playboy was taking his sweet time figuring out who he should bet on.

"Hm…Bulma usually has good instincts. But it's _Cell_. Piccolo has bad luck and usually loses, but you never know. Zarbon's seems more like to win. The Ginyu Force are a bunch of dorks. I don't know about Freiza. Hey, who's this chick?"

Vegeta had been busy ranting in his head about how _none _of them was likely to win when Yamcha pointed out a familiar face.

"That's Princess Snake. I don't think –"

"70 yen on her," Yamcha beamed.

Vegeta sighed. "Very well."

He encountered more and more idiots as time passed. And they just get more stupid.

* * *

The Kais were getting restless. And they also noticed that, though there was a lack of Saiya-jins, there was also a lack of humans. And they spotted the perfect one.

Blond, slim and slightly narcissistic. He liked looking at himself in the mirror at least five times every day. He was smart and athletic, and a bit cocky.

Erisawa Sharpner.

The all-around jock, popular and good looking.

He was absolutely perfect to trick into putting their tournament. As such, they made King Kai their spokesperson, seeing as Goku wasn't anywhere to be found.

"Child, there's this tournament going on," King Kai cornered the teen.

Sharpner turned his nose up at the Kai. "I'm not a kid."

"Yes, yes. Whatever," King Kai waved it off in annoyance. "Do you want to be in the tournament or not?"

"What do I get?"

The deceased Kai sighed, "The new scooter thing, or whatever you humans call it."

Sharpner's eyes lit up, "The new Automaton 3000?"

"Yes, that thing. So?"

The blond looked determined, "You got it, Mr. Fish!"

"My name isn't Mr. Fish! It's King Kai! _King_ Kai! And not even you, Goku, can take that from me!!"

Sharpner looked at him weirdly, "Right, whatever, dude."

"Alright, here's the deal, kid. The tournament's about getting one guy, Son Gohan, to fall in love with you."

"I told you, I'm not a kid. And I'm not gay."

King Kai was ready to tear his hair out. Even though he had no hair.

"The Automakon 300…"

"It's the _Automaton 3000_," Sharpner corrected him.

"Whatever," King Kai muttered.

"Okay, okay. Do you at least have a picture?"

King Kai showed him a copy of picture they stole of Gohan.

"Not bad. He's not as good looking as me, but he's still pretty good looking. Alright, I'll do it."

King Kai grinned. Perfect.

"Good, good. Just sign here, and then here. Now we'll all done and all you have to do is get ready for the school year, where you'll first meet him."

"Mmkay," the teen said distractedly, still analyzing the picture.

King Kai disappeared on the spot, without being noticed.

* * *

_**When Gohan had been knocked out…**_

Gohan was dreaming. It was an unfortunate dream. In fact, it was very much like a nightmare, more like. It gave him goose bumps and an urge to scream. Well, scream and run away.

He dreamt he was dressed in some kind of weird drag. He was wearing a black shirt with a green vest over it, and tight black pants, which wasn't so bad, but he had on an _orange cape_. It was ridiculous.

That wasn't even the worse part of the outfit.

_He was wearing some kind of __**weird space helmet**__._

With more emphasis on _weird_.

His body was shivering outside the dream, though he pretty much shivered in it as well, seeing the horrific outfit. He was missing his pinstripes and dark suits already.

Then things became worse. Much worse.

He went around saving people, which wasn't so bad. But then he began _saying stuff_. Cheesy, cliché, dorky stuff. It scared him more than the helmet. And I mean, _really _scared him.

"I am the Great Lover of Justice, the Great Saiyaman!" his dream self yelled out to the heavens.

Gohan let out a blood-curdling scream as he woke up.

Revision (9): Started 9/15/08 –Completed 9/15/08

A/n: Thanks to Ryunthasar for Zarbon's (Zirconia for a couple chapters) name. Heh, I actually forgot it. Though, I've only had the tapes for GT and Buu saga so I couldn't go back to see if I was right of not. So thanks for the info!

And thanks to all my reviewers! I hoped you liked this chapter.


	10. It's A Wonderful World

Disclaimer: Doesn't anyone get tired of writing these? Bleh, I don't own Dragon Ball Z. Humph, you happy now (_last statement directed_ _at crisp suits wearing lawyers glaring at her_)? Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.  
Set after Cell but before Buu.  
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.  
Warnings: Dunno.  
A/n: Project Revision continues…  
A/n(2): Again not edited, just adding content…

"Oh  
I, I... I

"I wanna be bad with you, baby  
I, I, I, I  
I wanna be bad with you, baby

"Do you  
Understand what I need, need  
From you  
Just let me be the girl to show  
You, you  
Everything that you can be  
Is everything that I can be  
(I wanna be) My turn  
Let me let you know that I,  
I can't promise that I won't do that  
So, boy  
Say the time and place  
'cause you make me wanna misbehave

"I wanna be bad (bad)  
You make bad look so good  
I've got things on my mind  
I never thought I would  
I, I wanna be bad (bad)  
You make bad feel so good  
I'ma losing all my cool  
I'm about to break the rules  
I, I wanna be bad

"I wanna be bad with you, baby  
I, I, I, I, (with you yeah yeah yeah yeah)  
I wanna be bad with you, baby

"What's up?  
Tell me what to do, how to be  
Teach me  
All your words from A to Z  
But I  
Don't want your other girl to see  
That you're messing 'round with me, no  
Should I boy  
Tell ya what I got is what ya want  
Tell, tell me, do I, I turn you on?  
I don't want no one judging me

"I wanna be bad (bad)  
You make bad look so good - ooh ooh, no no no  
I've got things on my mind (mi-i-i-ind)  
I never thought I would  
Never thought I would - I, I wanna be bad (bad)  
You make bad feel so good  
I'ma losing all my cool  
I'm about to break the rules - about to break the rules boy  
I, I wanna be bad

"I wanna be bad with you, baby  
I, I, I, I (I wanna be bad with you)  
I wanna be bad with you, baby  
I, I, I, I  
I wanna be bad with you, baby  
I, I, I, I (I wanna be bad)  
I wanna be bad with you, baby  
I, I, I, I,  
I, I yeah

"I wanna be bad (bad)  
You make bad look so good - you make bad look so good  
I've got things on my mind  
I never thought I would - I never thought, I never thought I would  
I, I wanna be bad (bad)  
You make bad feel so good - you make bad look so good  
I'ma losing all my cool - you make bad feel so good  
I'm about to break the rules - about to break, about to break the rules

"I, I wanna be bad (bad)  
You make bad look so good (ah ah ah ah)  
I've got things on my mind  
I never thought I would  
I, I wanna be bad (bad)  
You make bad feel so good - so good  
I'ma losing all my cool  
I'm about to break the rules  
I, I wanna be bad." –I Wanna Be Bad by Willa Ford

**A Ticket Out of HFIL**  
_Revised Chapter Ten: It's a Wonderful World_

Stairway to Heaven.

That song kept playing in his head over and over repeatedly. That's been happening a lot ever since a stereo was found in HFIL. That was because there was only one CD in it and it was the single Stairway to Heaven by Led Zepplin. Suffice to say Cell was not against serenading, as it seems to be the only idea he had. That and the song wouldn't stop repeating in his head.

But it was also a bad idea. Stairway to Heaven was the only song he knew and it was hardly romantic…

Then again it was his only idea.

Sneaking into the room, Cell made it a point to be totally silent. Gohan was in the bathroom and Cell just had to wait for him to come back into the room. Now how was he going to do this? Well, might as well make a good entrance.

He went back to the window and sat down. Lifting his left knee and putting it on the window, Cell conjured a rose from out of nowhere and held it up to his nose as if he was going to smell it. He put on a seductive smile on and waited for Gohan to come back. Hearing the door creak open, Cell resisted the urge to smile bigger.

"Cockroach boy! I've found you!"

His smile contorted making his face look horrified. He fell off the window and scrambled up and ran for his life. Chi Chi leaped over the ledge of the window and followed after him, ninja style.

"Don't you ever come back here again, you cockroach! I've had enough of you jerks coming around and being home-wreckers!"

Cell hoped to Kami that she grew old fast…

Again, an interlude in the Otherworld

"Mwahahahahahahaha!"

As the evil cackling continued, Raditz questioned the sanity of his brother. Perhaps, Goku finally snapped because of all the battles?

Raditz sighed as his father joined in the cackling. Yes, both of them have gone out of their minds.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Raditz wept and sobbed. Then he started pulling at his precious hair as the others in the Otherworld joined in. All of a sudden, Goku created a giant deathball and the cackling stopped. Instead, others started running away and screaming. Goku was the only one left cackling.

Bardock lifted one eyebrow at his cackling son and then turned it on his bawling son. Bardock just went and took a backseat, grabbed some popcorn and watched the happenings.

The deathball just grew bigger and bigger.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Back on Earth with contestants

Freiza twitched. "Someone's using my move…"

The others ignored him. 'Cept Cell who just smacked him upside the head and continued scowling. And on they went looking to somehow score a place.

* * *

Kibito awkwardly made himself comfortable on the park bench. He didn't have anywhere to go, but found the park not too far away from the lingerie store he had been running from. Deciding it wasn't too bad a place to stay temporarily at, he'd settled down and thought he'd catch up on some sleep.

It was all too soon when he'd heard sirens and dogs barking.

Two men pointed their guns at him, behind them guard dogs scrambling to run to and tear Kibito apart. Freaking out, Kibito hurriedly sat up and put his hands into their air, watching them with wide eyes in fear.

"You're trespassing, buddy. We're gonna have to put you in jail," one of them scowled at him.

He gulped.

He whimpered as they forcibly dragged him up from the bench, turning him around before they cuffed him. They led him to the police car that was waiting, parked to the side.

"You stupid hobos. Why don't you people find an actual place to stay, like the shelter?"

Kibito didn't answer as they drove him to the station.

There, they took his profile and his headshots, and then they got his information into their criminal database. And then put him in jail until decided whether or not to just give him a warning because it was his first offense. Deciding he wasn't worth space in their prison, they shucked him off to a shelter.

It was cold and miserable, and they gave him minimal food. Then his bunk was nothing more than a small bed that couldn't support his size, and was housed in a hall with several other beds with people in them. He sniffled in despair.

"Shut up, you idiot!" Someone a couple of beds down yelled at him.

Instead, he started crying even more. They called the police and again he was arrested.

"You again?! That's it. You're going into the joint."

He was placed in an even worse building than before. Prison.

"Yo, bub. So you're my new cell mate, eh?" a big, bald man grinned at him.

Kibito screeched in terror.

* * *

Dende was worrying. He didn't know what he should do. He'd just heard about Piccolo's betting habits and his bad luck. He had bet a lot on Zarbon because Piccolo had bet a lot. Now that he knew how bad Piccolo's luck was, he was worried about losing all that money.

His chest was hurting from all the stress he was accumulating, and nothing Mr. Popo did made him better. In fact, some things actually made Dende feel worse.

He saw Vegeta again, and remembered that Mr. Popo hadn't been around for him to take his bet. Now the Saiya-jin was back.

"Mr. Vegeta!" Dende screeched, looking wild.

His eyes were red-rimmed, his lip split from him biting it too much in worry, he hadn't showered in what seemed like days (or at least since the last time Vegeta saw him), and his clothes looked rumpled and unchanged.

He was a sorry picture.

"What is it, brat?" Vegeta half-hearted sneered, wanting to just get Mr. Popo's bet and get the hell away. Dende was making him feel uncomfortable.

"Please!" the new Earth guardian sobbed. "Let me change my bet!"

Vegeta cringed. It was against his rules…but the kid looked _really_ pathetic.

"Okay, okay. But only this once. And you have to choose carefully this time."

Dende sniffled. "Can I see the contestants again, please Mr. Vegeta?"

"Yeah, yeah. Sure, kid."

Dende riffled the contestants' profiles before pausing at Cell's.

"I don't like anyone else. This one looks nice," Dende muttered.

Vegeta's mouth twitched in a nervous tick, trying to stay nice.

Cell…looking _nice_? Was the brat missing a few screws? Cell looked _smug_ and _cocky_.

"I'll change my bet to him!" Dende said happily.

More and more people, Vegeta thought. All of them crazier and more idiotic than the last.

Why do they keep betting on Cell?!

Even _he_, prince of all Saiya-jins, had succumbed to their idiocy!

Revision (10): Started 9/15/08 –Completed 9/15/08

A/n: That's it for now. Haven't been really motivated so I hadn't worked on any chapters.

v son saiyan: there will be more Saiya-jins coming into this. Brolly will have a specific job to do later on but everyone knows there will be problems with Goku and him. And Goku won't be normal for a looong while. And what will everyone be doing? I can't tell you that! It's part of the story(nods head up and down). It's top secret…

To everyone else, THANK YOU! THANKS FOR NOT GIVING UP ON ME! I'll try to update more often. .

REMEMBER TO REVIEW!


	11. Raditzia and Freiza's Frustration

Disclaimer: Inserted.  
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.  
Set after Cell but before Buu.  
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.  
Warnings: Dunno.  
A/n: Project Revision continues…and is done, with the minor exception of maybe fixing a few things with the next chapter.  
A/n(2): Also, not really edited again, but mostly just additions. Enjoy new substance.

__

_"Here comes the  
Here comes the  
Here comes the  
Ya'll don't really want it now (BOOM!)  
Here comes the (BOOM!)  
Here comes the (BOOM!)  
Here comes the  
Ya'll don't really want it now (BOOM!)  
Here comes the (BOOM!)  
Here comes the (BOOM!)  
Here comes the  
Ya'll don't really want it now (BOOM!) _

"It's the N-E-Double L-Y  
I said it so I keep it realz up in my hood,on the dirty like Bledsoe  
Ain't got no twist in my hair, but I'm still dread throwin  
I gots plenty of bread so I go to bed full now  
Ain't in it to win,to win it I'm all in  
I might call you my cuz youngblood, but we ain't kin naw  
Ya think of jumpin man, you best think again  
Lil dirty, I'm the type of man that might could go for revenge  
Have some not so nice friends, kick the door off the hinge  
Take the door of ya Benz, p-p-pop 4 of your friends  
This here ain't cynical (Uh uh)  
Mental, subliminal, I'm physical, financial, and mental to be a general  
Lil mama come, she want a soldier  
Not the type be in the tank, but in that Rover  
I'm in the zone like AIDS full blown  
I'm killin it like a blind man readin, I'm feelin it like (BOOM!)

_"Here comes the (BOOM!)  
Here comes the (BOOM!)  
Here comes the  
Ya'll don't really want it now (BOOM!)  
Here comes the (BOOM!)  
Here comes the (BOOM!)  
Here comes the  
Ya'll don't really want it now (BOOM!)  
Here comes the (BOOM!)  
Here comes the (BOOM!)  
Here comes the  
Ya'll don't really want it now (BOOM!)  
Here comes the (BOOM!)  
Here comes the (BOOM!)  
Here comes the  
Ya'll don't really want it now (BOOM!)" –Here Comes the Boom by Nelly_

**A Ticket Out of HFIL**  
_Revised Chapter Eleven: Raditzia and Freiza's Frustration_

A shabby little place, but it was something. Freiza discovered it was best not complain. He and the others were finding it difficult to getting used sleeping there, but it was all they could afford. And since they were unable to afford anything because they were broke, that meant all they could afford was…

Sleeping in a big hole they dug outside of the Son residence.

Freiza currently had Ginyu's foot in his face and his right eye twitched. There was almost no space and it was becoming unbearable. Especially since Cell had a lot of room to himself because he scared everyone else off.

It was bull and Freiza knew he would have done something if Cell hadn't been more powerful than he. It wasn't fair! He wasn't used to backing down or being less powerful than something. He used to be the most strongest and most _beautiful_ being in the universe.

Life just hated him now!

At the same time in the Otherworld…

Raditz peeked around the corner. He was hiding from Goku. It seemed Goku had gotten bored and decided that now was a good time to start picking on the "older" brother. It seemed that the tables were not only turned, but Raditz were now paying his dues.

"Ohhhhhhhh, Raaaaaditzzz! Baby brother wants to plaaaay!"

Raditz shivered and huddled close to the wall. He moved towards the Kais' sanctuary, hoping for it to save him. The sound of hurried footsteps came closer and Raditz's eyes widened. He started to run.

"HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME! KAMI, HELP!"

Raditz didn't stand a chance in hell.

Ten minutes…

Raditz whimpered.

"Ah, don't be so sad. You're just having fun with your baby brother, _right?_" Goku asked with a sickening, sweet smile and in a baby voice. "You wouldn't want to upset me, would you, big brother?"

It took all Raditz had not to cry. Goku went all out. He had Raditz set up in a satin dress with a lot of make-up plastered on his older brother's face. Goku did his best to get Raditz's hair a bit curly and had Raditz tied up in a chair to get less of a struggle.

"This is KAWAII! HAHAHAHA!"

Raditz struggled and moved around but to no avail.

Eventually, Goku was starting to get fed up. "Stop moving. You're going to mess up your make-up. Or your dress. Or worse. _Your hair._"

The sick, sweet smile became deformed as it half became a snarl. A ki ball formed in Goku's hand and Raditz immediately stopped moving.

"That's better."

And so the unusual, but quite effective, torture continued.

Back to the loser contestants…

Freiza started swearing under his breath as Ginyu kicked his back and Zarbon kicked his shoulder. And then Jeice's arm moved and whacked his face. He was so uncomfortable and annoyed.

He glared at the spot where Cell was resting. He was comfortable and alone. Freiza scowled.

But while Freiza was moaning and groaning in his head the Kais were smirking. It was time to bring a new player very soon.

There was a definite lack of Saiya-jins in the game.

* * *

Goku decided to leave Raditz tied up for the time being, knowing he had work to do. First, he had to make sure his H.E.L.L. Inc. workers were finishing up and then he had to get more stuff for Raditz's new make-over. However…

But first, there was something Goku needed to do.

With a mischievous grin, Goku went off to HFIL to grab a special something, before heading to his home on Earth. Discreetly dropping it out of the air to land in front of Cell, he hid and took a seat to watch the proceedings.

Therefore, when Goku dropped a stereo in front of Cell and it started playing Stairway to Heaven, Cell promptly freaked out.

It played again and again. The song played for any hour, with each minutes passing and Cell was hyperventilating. The rest of the group watched in growing interest, that was more fascinated horror as Cell began to snarl and mutter incoherently, gobs of saliva dripping out of his mouth.

Cell howled and clutched at his head, scratching and making marks. He screamed and blubbered, curling into a ball and sobbing. He rocked himself back and forth before his eyes snapped opened and glowed eerily red.

Blasting the stereo to pieces, the android then quickly ran over to it and began stomping over all the pieces until they were just miniscule dusts in the wind. To make sure, he even pounded on it with his hands.

The others stared. And stared. And stared.

Cell scowled and glared at them, his eyes flashing back to that eerie red. They shivered and turned away, pretending to do something else and mind their own business.

"I hate that song. I'm sick of it," he muttered, stomping off to be by himself again.

Goku cackled quietly to himself and left. There were things to do, workers to order around, and items to be bought.

And an older brother to torture.

* * *

Afterwards, Princess Snake left them to wander around. She spotted that –that woman Goku wouldn't leave her for. She snarled and stomped over to Chi Chi, intending to give the human woman a piece of her mind.

"You there, woman Goku has chosen over me!" Princess Snake huffed.

Chi Chi blinked. "Yes?"

"Why? What is it about you that not even I can tempt Goku from? I am certainly better than you!"

Chi Chi's eyes narrowed, her entire demeanor darkening. "You tried to seduce my husband from me?"

Princess Snake rolled her eyes, "Duh. And I don't understand why I didn't succeed."

Chi Chi sneered, "Oh, it's on, bitch. No one tries to take Goku from me. He's _my_ husband because he loves me!"

The so-called ningen onna, the Paninator, hellion, and most obviously Goku's wife, launched herself at the other woman and started a bitch fight, slapping the hell out of Princess Snake. Lashing out with her foot, Chi Chi kicked Princess Snake's ass and forced her to tumble forward. And then, with her signature pan, she wacked Princess Snake upside the head harshly. Obvious, in the end, Chi Chi won.

"And don't come near here again, you home-wrecking seductress!" Chi Chi yelled, shoving a beaten and disoriented Princess Snake back towards the contestants' ditch.

The others looked at her. Princess Snake just had her ass handed to her by a human woman.

They sympathized with her.

They winced more and looked away, minding their own business again when Chi Chi waved her pan threateningly in the background.

* * *

"So, it's done?"

"Yup, Goku-sama!" Lucas grinned happily.

"Good boy," Goku said, patting Lucas' head like a dog's.

"Woof!" Lucas barked, still grinning.

"I might as well tell Dad and get the process going. I'll take you and the others back, and you can continue Gohan's security measures. Now I have to drop off Raditz's stuff," Goku said, eyes darting to the make up, clothing, etc. he'd bought. "Oh, and I have to pick up some things."

"Is there anything else I can do for you, Goku-sama?" Lucas asked, eyes shining brightly with stars in them as he stared at Goku.

"No –actually, there is," Goku slowly grinned. "You see, that group outside my house, in the unauthorized ditch in the yard? That ditch shouldn't be there. And neither should they."

Lucas nodded vehemently. "You got it, Goku-sama!"

And so, Goku dropped Lucas and the other workers he'd kidnapped off to his house, and went on his merry way. He went to his next errand.

Picking up the boxes, he made sure they were all stuffed with black robes. He smiled serenely, picking one up and admiring it against his physique, looking into a long mirror at reflection.

The Saiya-jins needed to gather together for the event in a group meeting tomorrow, and to also show that they stand united.

His pet projects were slowly, but surely, being completed. It was only a matter of time.

And also, he planned to have that talk with Brolly soon.

* * *

Lucas and a specialized group of H.E.L.L. Inc. workers marched out into the Son yard, and towards the gloomy contestants. Soon, they were standing in front of them, determined to do the task their Goku-sama had set out for them.

"What do you losers want?" Koola grumbled.

Lucas narrowed his eyes, "This hole was not authorized by any of the Son family to be built. Nor do you have permission to occupy it. You are trespassing."

"Buzz off, dork," Jeice said, not even looking their way.

Lucas and the other workers' faces turned slightly demonic, darkening and having glowing red eyes that were reminiscent of Cell's with the Stairway to Hell –I mean, Stairway to Heaven stereo incident. The shadows flickered around them, moving like snakes and curling around the possessed group. The clouds gathered above them, thunder crashing in the skies. Lightning even appeared.

Spooked, the contestants scrambled out of the hole and ran away, past the fence and stood out of it.

The workers and everything turned back to normal, humming as they got to work on filling that hole up again.

The contestants thought those workers were wimpy, from what they'd seen of them, but they were just proven wrong. Those guys showed exactly why they were part of H.E.L.L. Inc.

Revision (11): Started 9/15/08 –Completed 9/15-08

A/n: Sorry it's so sort. And like I said, I promised there would be more Saiya-jins coming into the picture. And Goku will be torturing his poor brother for a while. And I hope someone will make fanart of the part with Raditz and Goku. I'd like to see what it looks like even though I can picture it in my head.


	12. The Saiyajinisitc Cult

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ.  
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.  
Set after Cell but before Buu.  
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.  
Warnings: Dunno.  
A/n: So sorry this came out so late! Thanks to everyone still reading and I hope this chapter was enjoyable and long enough! And things are going to speed up soon for sure. Either next chapter or the one after that. I just need to get Gohan to school and then that's where the story actually really begins. Or rather the plot.  
A/n(2): Project Revision is finally finished!

**A Ticket Out of HFIL**  
_Chapter 12: The Saiya-jinisitc Cult _

It was dark and dreary. It looked like it was going to rain.

Several figures huddled as they watched a candle with its wick lit up in the middle of their circle. All of them had long, black robes on and they were holding their hands in a prayer like fashion. One figure stepped forward and spoke.

"Fellow Saiya-jins! We have gathered to this ancient spot –!"

"Actually, it's not really that ancient! You're gathering on King Kai's new planet."

"Silence!"

The mysterious figure threw a ki blast at the unfortunate person who was there with the group. In fact, there were many more people there. Relocation from Otherworld. The Grand Kai's palace was closed down due to unfortunate events including a free-for-all, a war, and certain happenings between brothers. And as you can guess, the group that was separated from everyone else were Saiya-jiniese. The one talking was the leader and of course, Goku.

"As I was saying, fellow Saiya-jins! We have gathered to form something never been done before! A cult for Saiya-jins! For too long has there been races disrespecting us and calling our race monkeys! We have been ruled over for too long. First it was Freiza. And there were many after that have insulted our race through me!

"Cell, Ginyu Force, and so many others. Many of them are participating in this tournament that had been set as revenge! We will not let them succeed. We will bring forth our own envoy! He or she will be our reckoning! The Kais have been planning on choosing one of our own to bring in, but no! We will choose whom. I have an idea as to whom that will be. Accept or be devoured. It is an honorable task…_Brolly_."

One of them hurriedly took off their hood. "What? I doubt my son will be capable of doing this. Send someone else."

Paragus. Goku should have known.

He blinked at the Saiya-jin. "Paragus, you should not worry. He is quite able to do this. The question is, does he accept the task?"

Another hooded member, next to Paragus, stepped forward. He took off his hood.

"It would be my honor to take on this task."

Something was definitely wrong with the picture if you have Brolly not screaming his head off at Goku.

* * *

"Oh, hello! What can we do for you?" King Kai said to the hooded figure. The Kais sat around a table in King Kai's new kitchen and were interrupted by someone walking in.

The hooded figure took off his hood. "Goku!"

"Yes, it is I. But I have another thing to deal with you. We, my fellow Saiya-jins and I, have decided to send out our representative in this tournament. We will not allow you to choose from one of our brethren."

Goku turned sideways and called out. "Bring forth the honored member!"

You see, the Kais didn't know what was going on. They didn't know about the new group. But they were definitely scared out of their wits.

Another one strolled in with two others flanked at the side. Goku introduced them. "The right we have Paragus and on the left we have King Vegeta. Our honored member is Brolly."

Each one took off their hoods respectively. The Kais nodded as one and secretly prayed for their lives.

Goku dismissed the entourage, except for Brolly. "How will he be entered in the tournament?"

The Grand Kai shakily took out a piece of paper and handed it to Goku. "He just needs to sign this and he will be transported there immediately."

Goku grabbed it and scanned it. There was no fine print either. Just a list of names of who was in the competition.

Before Brolly signed it, Goku pulled him aside. He glanced at the Kais suspiciously.

"Alright, they will send you to my house. Once there, don't go inside or meet with the other competitors. We're going to win this sneaky. Head to the city and by the time you get there you will have had a flat and a job. Money and other necessities will be provided inside the flat. Keep your presence there as secretly as possible," Goku whispered to Brolly.

The other nodded and got ready. The Kais couldn't hear a thing. He signed it.

It was back to Goku, who was now smirking as if some war had been won already.

He turned to the Kais. "Good day!"

Spooked, the Kais nodded back. Goku just continued smirking and walked back to the others. Or would have if a certain fish hadn't of cleared his throat.

"Ah, Goku. Even though, you signed in another Saiya-jin, we still want to bring in our original choice."

Goku looked speculative. "Who?"

The Kais told him and Goku nodded.

"I shall run it by the others."

Goku turned swiftly to head back to his organization.

* * *

Goku figured the Kais' choice would be told later. Right now, he had other business.

"Alright! Let's head back to Otherworld. There is still a location there that is not damaged, but we need to travel there quickly." Goku said to his cohorts.

He need not bother to keep his voice down as everyone who wasn't in the cult had gone on the other side of the planet to keep away from them.

"I have a surprise for you."

And soon they were there in no time, thanks to Goku's I.T.

The Saiya-jins around Goku stared in awe at the magnificent building.

"Goku, you're here! Welcome, everyone! This theater is showing the contest! Complete with nice comfy seats, food, and etc. You'll have a grand time watching the show here. And because your leader is funding the theater and because you're all Saiya-jins, you get to come in for free!" Goku's father greeted them at the entrance to huge building behind him.

Everyone cheered and headed inside.

No one had noticed their absence from King Kai's planet yet. And if they did, they would be very happy indeed.

In the theater was an entirely different situation. King Vegeta was waging bets. Each one would put their names on a sheet that had a contender's name and in fifteen minutes when they would finally start the showing, all bets were final.

"A bookie in my theater? Sounds fun," Bardock smirked, glad he had subtly mentioned it in passing.

"Absolutely," King Vegeta replied to the owner of the theater.

Bardock snorted. "Yes, well. Good luck."

King Vegeta just nodded and continued counting the money everyone was placing on their bets. He was all too gleeful to see such an amount.

However, Bardock had headed over to a secret room. Er, well, a facility closet. Inside, Bardock saw Goku fuming at Raditz.

"How could you! Your hair was so nice! And you ruined it, you little punk!" Goku said while shaking his older brother repeatedly with both hands.

Raditz's collar was taken hostage by Goku's hands. "I wouldn't have minded so much if it had been something other than your hair, but this is despicable! I spent most of my time on _your hair_!"

Bardock winced as Goku shook Raditz a final time.

"It's okay, Goku. Let your brother down. Just let him go."

Goku hesitated but then did as he was asked.

"Alright. But big brother! We're going to play another game later. _Okay_?" Okay was said with a sickeningly sweet voice. Raditz winced and nodded quickly.

"Goody!"

* * *

It was raining. The contenders sat in their new hole (which was becoming muddy…) outside the barbed-wire fence, feeling utterly miserable.

They hadn't even gotten to do anything. Gohan had stayed inside during the whole time they'd been there, which coincidentally had been raining the entire time.

Zarbon had at first complained that the rain would ruin his hair and his skin, but then as the time progressed, he had given up.

Freiza scowled as he slipped over and over from over at his spot. He hadn't done anything wrong the whole time and yet he was still suffering…

The Ginyu Force was actually fine. Nothing bad had happened to them the entire time since they'd gotten there, and up till now they had been grinning like idiots for most of the time. Freiza wondered whether or not they even knew it was raining right now.

But something everyone else envied was that Cell had been perfectly calm throughout the whole thing and was even meditating.

Even Garlic Jr. had cracked. His smile had twitched…

However, over to Koola, he was just as upset as Freiza. But he was the lucky one. He wasn't the one slipping in the mud or the one who had been struck by lightning a couple of times over the time. Or been hit by a random pan flying out of a window from the Son house. Or not random at all, considering that it was a pan…and who else is obsess with pans?

Princess Snake had just stared at the Son house. Just staring. And drooling…

It really wasn't such a good time for them. Maybe they had been better off in HFIL.

The competitors sighed as one. It was going to be a long road in front of them.

However, a figure appeared but stayed in the shadows. He wasn't to reveal himself. Lowering his ki level, Brolly ran towards the city.

Gohan peeked out his window. They were still there…

His little brother was hyped up on sugar and was all over the place. But his attention was all focused at the residents of the new hole in his yard. At least it was beyond the fence.

What did they want with him?! Have they no sanity left? They were living in Son Goku's yard! The man who had thwarted their every move. And what about Gohan himself? Why are they staking out his house? Why are they even there?!

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!

He could see Cell meditating from his spot at the window. The android had his eyes closed and Gohan wondered if there was actually a purpose for any of them to be there. It seemed pointless.

Gohan yelped and then gasped after Cell had shot his eyes open. He stumbled backwards and fell backwards as well. He landed with an "OW" and stayed on the floor after awhile.

"GOHAN!" Only to have his brother jump on top of him.

"Let's go out and play with the weirdoes!"

Gohan blinked and then smiled. "Goten…I need you to do a little favor for me."

Goten looked bored and was impatient to go out there. The rain was going to finally let up soon and Goten wanted to go outside.

Gohan needed to sneak out.

"It has to do with a little prank." Goten started to look more interested.

"When the rain clears up, distract the 'weirdoes.'"

"What about you?"

"I have to submit my application to the school I'm going to. I told Mom I did already, even though I really haven't, so I can't let her know about this. And I can't get out with them prowling around our yard. After that, I still have to take the entrance exams. It's a top school. They don't just accept anyone."

"Okay dok!"

Gohan raised an eyebrow at his little brother. Definitely too much sugar. Okay dok? Really, there isn't even such a thing called dok that Gohan's ever heard of.

"See ya later! I gotta get ready!"

And Gohan watched as Goten sped to his room. Gohan let out a sigh. He had a feeling that he was going to have a stressful week.

Well, Gohan. You should change that to stressful months.

* * *

Raditz took a quick look around the corner. Good, Goku wasn't there. He crept away intending to join the other Saiya-jins where he could be safe from Goku.

Another person that needs to change their statement.

In this case, Raditz should change two things. One, he can never be safe from Goku, therefore nowhere is safe. Two, Goku _was_ there.

"HI!"

Raditz almost jumped out of his skin. Goku had snuck up on him and now was grinning widely. Raditz looked at his brother suspiciously.

"What do you want, Goku?"

"Well, nothing much…I won't do anything to you for now _if_ you help me with a little something."

"What?" Anything to make Goku leave him alone.

"I need to get my hands on a radio and you're going to help me find one."

"Okay. Sounds easy enough."

"In HFIL."

Raditz left eye twitched.

On the other hand, Goku had somewhere else to go.

* * *

Gohan had the right to be nervous. It had started to rain again as soon as he was within one block of the school and he could feel someone staring at him. The problem was, he couldn't see anyone. Finally, as he reached the school he broke into an all out run. He dropped the registration slip in the required box that was left out and went inside. It was… a bit scary inside too.

All the lights were on but there was no noise being made and it seemed no one was there either. There was one more test left and Gohan hurriedly finished it, eager to run back home. Something was not right.

He dropped that into the right box and wondered why no one was there. And why a single test had been laid out…

He began his walk home and he started to feel even more nervous. Just when he passed by an alley, there was a hooded figure hidden inside holding a candle, and then did he actually freaked. The thing spoke! And voice was freaking scary! And how was that candle staying lit in the rain?!

"_No escape…no escape…NO ESCAPE!_"

Gohan ran his ass back home.

Meanwhile, the figure chuckled, voice normal, and took off his hood.

Goku started to cackle evilly and whoever heard it shivered badly. His son heard it clearly and started to run even faster.

Goku smirked and turned to go back into the school. He still had to untie some people.

Revision (12): Started 9/15/08 –Completed 9/15/08


	13. Join the Club

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ.  
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.  
Set after Cell but before Buu.  
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.  
Warnings: Dunno.

A/n: And finally, after years, a new chapter. And yes, that H.E.L.L. worker in the beginning of this chapter is a self-insert –it's me.

"_Ha-Ha! Well now, we call this the act of mating  
But there are several other very important differences  
Between human beings and animals that you should know about." –The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang_

**A Ticket Out of HFIL**  
_Chapter Thirteen: Join the Club_

"So, uh, what are you doing?" Jeice asked one of the workers nervously, still vividly remembering how they freaked out over the hole the contestants had made.

The worker pushed up her glasses. "We're finishing up on the H.E.L.L. House Fortress Project. We're currently putting the last touches on the incinerator Gohan-taicho requested."

Jeice sweatdropped, "Aa…I see. Good work, then. Carry on."

The Ginyu Force member slowly backed away before turning into a full-fledged run. The worker shrugged.

At the same time, Zarbon had just entered the Son house. He'd stolen Princess Snake's wrap, let his hair down, and stolen one of the Pan Hellion's dresses. Now, dressed in them, he was ready to make his move on Gohan.

He was the most handsomest, after all. It should be a piece of cake.

"Look, Junior, thanks for clearing things up and all, but you'll still make me feel like a pedophile," he heard Gohan say.

"I can't go back! I just can't go back!" Zarbon heard Garlic Jr.'s voice start freaking out.

'_What the hell is he doing here?' _he thought in annoyance. Thinking over what Gohan had just said, he figured Garlic Jr. finally cracked and told Gohan everything.

"You can sleep here if you want," Gohan offered anxiously. "Just don't cry!"

Indeed, Garlic Jr. was beginning to sob. And knowing his face was stuck in a smile, the crying looked very odd.

"I don't just want to get away from them! I don't want to go back to the Deadzone!"

Unfortunately, that set off another round of big tears from the miniature alien.

"Buzz off, brat! It's my turn!" Zarbon burst through the door, glaring.

Garlic Jr. and Gohan stared.

He coughed and put his chin up, eyes still glaring.

"I-is that my mother's clothing?" Gohan choked out.

Zarbon was about to answer when Chi Chi arrived, wielding her infamous pan and hazardously waving it around.

"You pervert! Give me back my clothes! And get away from my Gohan!"

Zarbon eeped and ran, Chi Chi chasing after him with the pan.

Gohan coughed. "Well, that was interesting."

Garlic Jr. stared, his mouth smiling but his eyes wide in disbelief.

Just then, a half-naked Harry appeared, dripping wet and stoic looking. Using the towel around his neck, he began drying his hair nonchalantly.

"So, what I'd miss?"

Gohan twitched, "One of those freaks came in dressed in my mom's clothing."

"Fascinating."

Mistaking Garlic Jr. as a child, Harry bent down to his level and grinned.

"Hey there, little guy! You wanna go out for some ice cream?"

At the prospect of ice cream, Garlic Jr. bit back his retort and nodded eagerly.

"Alright then. Hey, Gohan, I'm going to take him out for some ice cream. You wanna come with or are you busy?"

Gohan sighed, "I have to keep watch on the security project. Get something for me on the go, okay?"

Harry mock-saluted him and then grabbed Garlic Jr.'s hand, leading him out like a kid.

Gohan sighed again before heading outside and seeing Shenlong circling around in the air above his house. He'd actually been able to convince the dragon to guard his house except when he was called out to grant wishes. However, Harry had given Gohan a Hungarian Horntail dragon also, and Shenlong actually became jealous enough that he was guarding Gohan's house zealously.

"How are you doing, Shenlong?" he called out.

The wish-granting dragon grunted, still disgruntled over his 'competition'. Gohan sighed and went back inside. He ignored the commotion outside, where his mother was still chasing after Zarbon. Freiza caught sight of them and stood still, thinking. He might just steal Zarbon's idea…

* * *

"Rocky road," Harry handed Gohan his ice cream.

Garlic Jr. happily licked at his ice cream, and sat down near them.

"So, you're going to school soon?"

"Yeah, unfortunately. You coming too?"

Harry shrugged, "Sure."

"I'll need someone at school to keep me sane from all of these lunatics," Gohan sighed dramatically.

But when the week started, Gohan had to gape stupidly at his friend. His friend…was his new Homeroom teacher.

"Good morning class! I'll be your Homeroom teacher for the rest of the year. Just call me Harry," Harry waved cheerfully.

"Hello, Harry," the class intoned.

Harry got a scary look on his face, his glasses glinting menacingly.

"What was that?"

The entire class shivered as one.

"Hello, Harry!" they greeted more enthusiastically.

"Good, good! I look forward to teaching you all!" he smiled widely.

The door opened and everyone turned to who it was. Gohan almost gaped. There, in the doorway, stood Freiza in the girl's school uniform –the traditional sailor outfit –and wearing a purple cosplay hair wig.

It was worse than Zarbon's getup.

"Hi! I'm Freiza Nakamura and I'm a transfer student," Freiza squeaked out in a high voice, somewhat imitating a female's.

Gohan twitched. The day had gone to hell.

So that was basically how school started. And that was how the school got introduced to a variety of insane newcomers. Harry-sensei was obviously insane and at random times started talking about his plans to take over the world out of nowhere. The new student Freiza was just really freaky. And stalkerish. The girl kept stalking that new student Gohan, who they could add was very paranoid. And oddly domineering. And just plain scary.

It wasn't long until Gohan had created an in-school mafia.

Then again, was it really that hard to believe? He _was_ Goku's son. Coincidentally, he was happily cheering on his boy from the Otherworld.

However, the contestants weren't all having a snazzy time. And unfortunately, it was trial number something something for Cell, who had decided on a more modern approach, after observing the culture of the youth in today's world.

When Gohan came home from school, he hadn't expected to see Cell nervously standing in front of his house (with Chi Chi watching like a shark from the house's front windows). The android was oddly wearing baggy clothing, pants that hung low with boxers up high, and a black hoodie and baseball cap set sideways. There were numerous medallions around Cell's neck, including a huge watch.

"Um, Cell," Gohan muttered. "What the hell?"

Cell cleared his throat and twitched once before he launched into his newest song.

"You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel  
Do it again now  
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel  
Gettin' horny now –"

Gohan twitched and was about to just walk pass the android, when Cell collapsed to a heap on the ground, Koola holding up a frying pan and yawning in boredom right behind him. Gohan only raised an eyebrow in question.

Koola shrugged, "I figure you're getting tired of us bursting into song and trying to get your attention that way. It's not working and it's getting old."

Gohan nodded in understanding, jerking his chin silently at his house. Koola nodded and stepped aside, holding his hands up to show he meant no harm. The Saiya-jin scrutinized his and his dad's former enemy closely, before shrugging himself and deciding it wasn't worth the brainpower to analyze the situation.

"I thought you would be doing something idiotic like the others," Gohan drawled.

Koola snickered, "Nah. Honestly, I'm just freakin' hungry. I wanna go out and eat some real food."

Gohan blinked, "Ah. You want to go out to eat some fastfood?"

"Sounds like heaven," the alien almost started drooling.

And that was the start of an odd friendship.

In fact, after that, Koola became like Gohan's best friend (aside from Harry, who beats out everyone just by being). Freiza's brother had just given up on the whole idea and was just happy to get food, be clean, and he found he actually honestly enjoyed Gohan's company. Ironic that giving up was what made him be closer to Gohan than the others.

Fate must laughing. Or Goku. Koola was pretty sure Goku is laughing at them all.

He had no idea just how correct he was. Or that Goku had company, sharing in the laughter.

In the meantime, he gazed in amusement at the Ginyu Gang (as he had taken to calling the Ginyu Force), as the group began earnestly and determinedly choreographing dance sequences while singing Nsync's _Tearing Up My Heart_.

"It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you  
But when we are apart, I feel it too  
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain  
With or without you!"

Catchy, that damn pop song. Koola snorted inwardly and made a mental note to tell this to Gohan for laughs. Harry would probably get a kick out of it too…

He burst out in laughter when at the end of the song, Jeice slid on his knees dramatically and posed. Boyband!Ginyu Force all turned to glare at him reproachfully.

"What's your problem, jerkoff?" Jeice sniffed.

For added measure, Cell was glaring over at him too, from his corner of their little hole. He still hadn't gotten over the frying pan knockout, reminiscent of Chi Chi's favorite method of attack.

Koola snickered, "Do you really think that's going to work? All you're going to do is make Gohan grimace. You guys look like idiots."

"Yeah? Well, I don't see you doing anything better!" Freiza joined in.

Koola just rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Keep looking up songs and making a fool out of yourselves. _I'm_ going to go with Gohan to catch a movie."

Conveniently, he left out that Harry was coming too, just to mess with their heads.

He left and the rest gaped at him.

"Hell, this sucks. He didn't even do anything and he's in the lead!" Zarbon grumbled, eyes flashing in indignation. And all of his hard work –gone to waste!

"We have to try harder," Ginyu hissed at his team.

By trying harder, that meant more dedication and more work into their performance.

Zarbon preened and Freiza just glowered everywhere. But Cell had a calculating and thoughtful look on his face. Perhaps…he should change his tactics. If singing wasn't the route to take, then he had another idea up his sleeve that would be better than serenading someone who didn't want to be serenaded.

There was no way in hell he was going to go back to HFIL.

Back with Gohan, the scene was surprisingly more calm. Koola had just joined him and Harry, and they were off to the movie theater to watch an action movie. Needing to go to the bathroom, he skipped out for a few minutes and was on his way back when he was stopped by an unexpected person. His face paled and he stiffened up.

Now why was _Brolly_, of all people, there?

"Hello, Son Gohan," he murmured, smiling easily.

Gohan looked at him shrewdly, inwardly panicking and full of confusion. Even stranger was what Brolly was wearing, though his current calm and pleasant demeanor was just as off-putting. Brolly was wearing a gray two-piece business suit, with dark leather shoes to complement, and his hair pulled back and tied at the nape of his neck.

"Um, not to be rude," Gohan deadpanned, "But why are you here and why do you look like a businessman?"

Brolly gave another charming smile, running a hand smoothly down his front.

"Other than the tournament?" Brolly added honestly. "I actually do have a business here that I run," he stuck to Goku's game plan and story. "I just wanted to take a break for awhile before going back and getting more things done."

Gohan nodded unsurely.

Brolly acting this way and being here at all was just really weird and strange. But he was actually kind of cool…

Gohan blushed, twitching at his thoughts. Brolly noticed, but didn't outwardly show anything. The plan was going very smoothly.

"This is really bizarre, you know," Gohan squinted at him.

"Yes, I know," Brolly smiled gently. "Are you busy tonight? I'd like to take you out to dinner, if you have no plans?"

"Uh…yeah…sure…" Gohan didn't think about his answer until he realized what he said and had agreed to.

"Brilliant. I'll meet you at your house," Brolly beamed.

A telltale unconscious blush said volumes, and Gohan just scurried off. Brolly smiled a shark-like smile as a cult of saiya-jins crowed in triumph and hooted and hollered in their first victory.

Started 8/29/09 –Completed 9/3/10

A/n: Yep, I read some chapters back and they still have some typos and stuff. Bleh, I'm too lazy to go back and change them. Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and don't forget to review! Thank you guys!


	14. We Gotta Jump It!

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ.  
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.  
Set after Cell but before Buu.  
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.  
Warnings: Dunno.

A/n: I said 'fuck it' and decided to go with 'Saiyans.' It's easier to type up XD However, I'm too lazy to go back and change the chapters.

"_Okay now ladies, yeah  
__Now we gonna break this thang down in just a few seconds  
__Now don't have me break this thing down for nothin'  
__Now I wanna see y'all on y'all baddest behavior  
__Lend me some suga, I am your neighbor_

_Here we go__  
__Shake it, shake, shake it  
__Shake it, shake, shake it  
__Shake it, shake, shake it  
__Shake it, shake it, shake, shake it  
__Shake it like a Polaroid picture  
__Hey ya"_ _–Hey Ya! By Outkast_

**A Ticket Out of HFIL**  
_Chapter Fourteen: We Gotta Jump It!_

Goku stood in front of them all, cackling madly. The screen behind him was frozen on a picture of Gohan and Brolly, at the moment where Brolly had asked Gohan out.

"My bitches! We're runnin' on a high! So far, we are in success. We need to make sure this keeps up. Soooo…I was thinking we could send some of you all down to Earth for some random attacks and sabotage?"

His fellow Saiyans cheered loudly in agreement, and King Vegeta and Bardock nodded in approval. His brother, however, was rapidly and intensely praying inwardly to be one of those sent down to Earth, and hopefully be away from Goku. He'd come to appreciate, in recent times, that his brother was definitely Saiyan material…if only going about conquering and dominating in an eccentric way. But he really didn't care to be the target of such things.

"Excellent! Let's do a raffle double-time, so we don't miss anything on screen!"

Raditz cursed under his breath.

Half an hour later, he was waiting with baited breath…and was ready to go ape shit on everyone if he wasn't picked. Especially since he'd gone to the trouble of rigging the whole damn thing. There was no way he was going to be forced to stay behind. And when they started calling out names…

"…Raditz…"

"YES!" he screamed, ignoring looks sent his way.

Freedom.

The group of them, after adding their bets to the pool (if they hadn't already), was sent to Earth, through some work of Goku's or other. There in the dark of the night, they realized they'd landed right next to the hole the "contestants" had decided to live in. Er, well, their new hole, after they'd been kicked out of their old one by H.E.L.L. Inc. minions.

Quietly and stealthily, they moved like ninjas to get away from there and head towards Brolly's place, where they'd take sanctuary on their off time. It would be great to wreak havoc like old times…

The next morning, they decided it was time to start the dirty work. With manic grins, they set off while Brolly shook his head, munched on some pancakes, and had coffee as he read the paper.

Right. Weird.

In the meantime, Harry was busily humming as he cooked breakfast and chatted with Chi Chi about the merits of cooking with a stainless steel pan or a porcelain pan, while Gohan moved like the dead around the house, trying to get ready for school. Also notable was that the modest, humble cottage had somehow expanded and grown larger without anyone noticing…

With Gohan acting like a zombie, Garlic Jr. took one glance at him before tsking and going back to happily focusing on his blueberry waffles and bacon. These days, at least his fixed smile was more sincere than not. If his mouth was going to ache from smiling all the time, he damn well might as well be happy doing so, and have done or experienced something to smile about.

"Gohan, buck up and wake up. You'll scare people," Koola mentioned as he strolled in casually, now one of the few outside of family and family friends that could do so. He accepted a plate from Harry eagerly. "Thanks, Harry. Ohhh, this is just divine. Why don't you just become a professional chef instead of taking over the world?"

"Because then I'd have to face critics. I hate critics. I don't need to, if I just take over the world," Harry answered straightforwardly, not looking away from the stove.

"Aa. Makes sense."

Gohan made a scary groan that sounded like it might very well have come from a real zombie.

Goten zoomed in at that moment, giving an odd look at his older brother when he heard the groan. Then he huffed and rolled his eyes, focusing instead on going over to Garlic Jr.

"Hey, hey, you done yet? Trunks and I need a third member. You can come with us!"

Being that he _was_ done, he couldn't say more when Goten grabbed his wrist and rushed out of there, practically kidnapping him.

"Poor kid. Never had a chance," Harry shook his head.

"Doomed," Gohan nodded, agreeing.

"You've been spending a lot of time with that Brolly guy," Koola commented offhandedly as he took a large bite out of his waffle. "Somethin' up?"

"Guy's not half bad," Gohan shrugged, blushing slightly and glaring without really meaning it at the other. "Why?"

Koola spread copious amounts of jam on his toast, ignoring the weirded out look from Gohan, Harry, and Chi Chi. Jam fit well on toast…but that amount was just too much.

"Nothing," Koola hummed in pleasure after a bite. "Just noticing. Didn't even know the guy was a competitor. Is he?"

"Dunno," Gohan thought about it. "He didn't say and I didn't ask. Er, wait a sec…Actually…he did imply he was in the tournament. At least he's normal."

Koola thought on that. "Yeah. My brother's enjoying dressing up a little too much, and Zarbon is preening more than usual. The two go at it like cats, bickering and fighting all the time. I swear, it's like 'Mean Girls', only with two aliens…that are both male."

Gohan snickered. "That should be interesting to watch. Well, not all the time. Or dealing with it. What else is up?"

"Cell's been quiet. Strange really," Koola searched his memory, trying to analyze the android. "He's up to something, but I don't know what. The Ginyu Force are just having fun coming up with routines and shit. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure they'd forgotten the tournament and are just enjoying freelance cheerleading. They'll deny it's cheerleading, but it totally is."

At that, the whole group burst into full blown laughter.

"I'm kind of worried about Princess Snake though," Koola shivered. "She's downright creepy. Atypical stalker material, if you know what I mean."

Chi Chi narrowed her eyes, hands inching towards the handle of her pan.

"You're late," Harry suddenly interrupted.

The others blinked at him.

"You're late," he repeated, nodding at Gohan.

Gohan lethargically glanced at the wall clock and then turned back to Harry, opening his mouth. Then he rapidly did a double check and yelped. He jumped up and began scrambling to get ready.

"I'm laaaaaaatttteeee!" Gohan wailed as he ran from the house.

"Aren't you going to be late as well?" Koola directed towards Harry.

The wizard overlord shrugged. "Ehhhhh." Harry flipped his omelet. "I'm their teacher. They can wait."

Chi Chi and Koola sweatdropped.

Gohan, on the other hand, had barely made it on time and had skittered into the classroom in an unruly fashion. He found his seat, golden name plaque and all, and smirked as he strutted towards it. His nameless school lackeys sat loyally around him, and one of them laid out a new piece of paper, a pencil, and an eraser on his desk, while another handed him his café au lait.

Just then, he remembered Harry was still at his house and hadn't looked in a hurry to get to school. He twitched and scowled, his lackeys tensing and watching him warily (and hoping he didn't start on them because of whatever had him agitated).

Bah. He'll get him later.

"Yo."

Gohan blinked back into the present, looking up at who had actually decided to approach him. His lackeys on either side of him were giving the newcomer some dirty looks, and the blond teen in front of him visibly showed his uneasiness at the attention. Then the teen went back to being unflappable, if slightly a little forced.

"I'm Sharpner," the teen smirked. "Nice ta meet ya."

Gohan, curious, decided to go along with this meeting.

"Gohan, nice to meet you also," his nice smile suddenly twisted to resemble a shark's. "Now…how are you on the gossip around this place."

Suddenly, Sharpner looked a great deal more excited and his eyes glinted.

"Oh, you have _no_ idea."

* * *

"Okay…so, you're asking me to go down there and date your grandson?"

Bardock looked at his closest friend, grinning as if he hadn't asked Tora to enter into this contest and go after Gohan as well. It had been amusing when he was just watching –now Tora swore up and down the contest was stupid.

"Come on, Bardock! You can't be serious," Tora winced.

This was his captain and he'd served with Bardock for a long time…but he wasn't going to deny that he wasn't thinking his captain was a lunatic and probably had more than a few screws loose. How else could he explain the sudden madness Bardock was besieged with? Really now. Asking _him_ to enter this contest.

And it was Bardock's _grandson_! Come on now!

"Of course I'm serious. I wouldn't trust anyone else with my grandson."

Tora's newest protest cut off, his mouth opened before he shut it and he stared dumbly at Bardock. Then he cursed up a storm, running a hand through his hair as he glared at the other Saiyan.

"That's so not fair," he mumbled.

"Ah, but it's true," Bardock continued grinning. "I want you in there to watch and put those contestants in order, make sure they know to keep their hands to themselves and not to put a single toe out of line. Even Brolly. Much as I and the others root for him and stand behind him, I want you to keep him in line as well."

"Yes, yes, put the pressure on me, why don't you?" Tora grumbled, resigned to being in the damned contest. "Alright, where do I sign up?"

"Excellent! Right this way, Tora!"

What the hell was he signing up for?

Meanwhile, Cell warily entered the abode, purple eyes darting everywhere. He was not afraid to admit that he wasn't quite sure what he was thinking, or even completely okay with what he was about to do. But…

"Well, well, well. What do we have here?"

The old crone floated into view and Cell twitched.

"You're Fortuneteller Baba, right? You can do any spell?"

Baba gave a creepy grin, watching him unblinkingly. "Yes, I am and I can. What can I do for you?"

"I need you to turn me into a human. I want to be intact –but human! No power leveling down or whatever, no funny business…just something at least mildly eye-catching and attractive to Son Gohan's taste, yes? Okay? Can you do that?"

Baba rolled her eyes. "Who the hell do you think I am? A genie?"

Cell looked downtrodden, but then Baba started cackling.

"Just kidding! Now let me work my magic!"

Baba whipped out a staff and began mumbling something, and then there was this blinding, white light, before Cell passed out. The old crone nodded, looking at her handiwork.

"That should do it."

Of course, she added some stuff…but Cell technically didn't say she couldn't. No funny business…Well, that was such a _vague_ term, and what he considered 'funny business' was much different from what _she_ considered funny business. Oh well. She'll just have to wait until he wakes up to see how he liked the new changes.

And in the time Cell was passed out, Gohan was running his school. That's right –_his_ school. And yes, _he_ was running it.

Especially now that he had Sharpner in his group, and who knew absolutely everything and anything about everyone in school. Information was always a key, and blackmail was essential. Life was totally good.

Except that he had an odd girl following him around, and sending him frequent death glares.

"Hey, Sharpner. Who's that girl?" Gohan warily looked at the direction the girl was in, who was staring angrily at him and his group and hiding behind a tree as she watched them.

Sharpner stared at the girl, wondering what the hell was she doing. "That's…Videl. Daughter of Hercule, the, uh, World Champion? Um…what on earth? I really don't know what's up with her and what's her problem. Sorry, I can't tell you what's she doing."

"Huh," Gohan blinked. "Weird."

He shrugged it off.

* * *

"So…is this like the Saiyan headquarters on Earth or something?" Tora asked, semi-seriously and semi-jokingly, trying to ease in and not feel so nervous.

"Buck up, Tora," Fasha, his and Bardock's old female teammate, grinned rakishly at him. "It isn't so bad. 'Course, _you're_ actually a contestant and all, and we're just some stragglers…"

Tora glared at her and pouted.

However, he was the most uneasy with Raditz, his captain's other son and his oldest. And coincidentally Gohan's uncle.

And who was glaring heavily at him with eyes that looked like they wanted to shoot death rays at him.

"Where's Brolly?" Tora grumbled, wishing the other Saiyan competitor in the deep end of all this with him was there to commiserate on their unluckiness and unfortunate situation.

"Eh, what do you know. He actually goes along with this whole cover story of having a business and all," Fasha shrugged.

"It's something Goku is behind probably," Raditz grunted. "Probably something that'll be beneficial, and they're using the competition as a vehicle for them to do whatever it is they're doing. Or at least as a cover."

"And crazy Brolly is the cover agent for this shady business," Nappa, the last of their small group, snorted.

"Do I want to find out what the hell they're up to?" Raditz scowled.

"Oh hell no," Nappa gave him a look and shook his head.

Tora sighed. "Kami damn it. Why couldn't I have just stayed behind?"

"Because we're going to have _lots _of fun here," Fasha's grin widened as she rubbed her hands eagerly.

The other Saiyans, minus Tora, began snickering and smirking at each other.

Tora sweatdropped.

Started 3/16/13 – Completed 3/21/13

A/n: Long time no see, eh? Anyways, even more Saiyans are added to the group, and I'll probably just add in Zorn and maybe Turles next. So, Cell asked for something he's not sure of the full consequences of. Then there's Videl…who's being weird for some reason. …Next chapter should be fun, hm?


End file.
